Hopeless

I am sitting here, alone and in the dark, in a very quiet house. But only an hour ago, I couldn't even imagine that the house would be so quiet tonight.

I wanted to post about what a wonderful afternoon and evening we had yesterday and even this afternoon. Jada hadn't been aggressive or angry. She had actually been quite playful and loving. She gave me lots of hugs and lots of kisses. There was even lots of smiles and laughter. It was wonderful.

I wasn't stressing that her bg had only been in the 100s once since Saturday and had been hovering in the 300s. I wasn't getting frustrated at the hyperactivity or the bouncing off the walls. I was just enjoying the good moments.

I wanted to write about that. But there is always a slap in the face.

Yesterday was a fantastic afternoon. Bed time came and a whole lot of fussing came too, which isn't unusual for bedtime. Then after most of it had passed, Jada is laying in her bed crying about how she doesn't like herself because she is mean. Wham! Slap in the face. I can express how wonderful I think she is until I am blue in the face but all that matters is what she thinks about herself and it isn't good.

This evening was going well. Bath time came and went. Then it was site change. Out of nowhere, Jada was having a whole lot of anxiety about changing her site. She wouldn't even come meet me at the table. After about 10 minutes of her fighting me, crying about how scared she was, I made the decision to hold her arms down and get it in. Then the anger came. The spit came. The threats of beating me up came. The name calling came. You name it, it came. I sent her to her room to calm down and as usual, she didn't stay there. Ten minutes of walking her back to her room over and over again and finally the anger had left but the sadness came. I heard her crying saying that no one loves her and that she should run away. I keep thinking, she is only six years old. As I usually do after these episodes, I went to meet her after she stayed in her room and calmed down. We layed in her bed and she was just crying letting it all out. She thinks she is mean and that no one likes her. She doesn't like herself. She fails at PE. She couldn't get a book from library today. Everything. My heart breaks for her.

She is only six and has so much to deal with. Why can't she just be a kid? How can she already have such low self esteem? Why must she have so much???? Why her? Why any child?

So I am sitting here in the quiet. During these episodes I never think I will make it through. I can never imagine an end. Two life-long disorders, one physical and one mental. It will never end. Some days (or moments in a day) will be better than others and some will just suck. Jada actually said that she felt hopeless. How can I make her feel better when I feel the exact same way????