I don't want to think about it!

Jada had another appointment with Dr. O this morning.

Her EKG results were normal but no word yet on the EEG. I know Jada has sleep issues. I feel her twitches and movements. I saw the brain waves going all over on the graph during the EEG. I don't want to know what it means. But is it weighing heavily on my mind and heart. I can't stop thinking about the what ifs, what if there is something else wrong, what if the mood instabilities are just a symptom of some greater issue. We should know today. Depending on what the results show, an MRI might be scheduled to look for "masses" or brain structure problems. I don't want to think about it.

Dr. O was reluctant to label Jada's symptoms as anything during our last appointment because it was also our first. But today, she actually said bipolar disorder. So that is that. Three doctors. Same opinion. I wasn't surprised by this.

With that in mind and the fact that Jada's aggressiveness is slowly escalating, Dr. O wants Jada to add a new medication to her daily regime. She added Ambilify which is used to treat pediatric bipolar disorder which will be added on to her Depakote (mood stabilizer) and Strattera (ADHD). Of course all medications come with their fair share of side effects. I know this. But Ambilify's side effects aren't just the usual make you tired or nauseous kind. One of the side effects is elevating your blood glucose. Of course, the trial that was done was done on people without D so I have no idea how this will effect Jada. Dr. O is aware of Jada's D so she must feel like the benefits outweighs the risk but D will have to be monitored more closely (as if every two hours wasn't enough already). So I don't want to think about that either. She will start it tomorrow so then we have four days before she heads back to school to see how things go.

I also don't want to think about the fact that Jada wanted to throw her shoe at Dr. O for no reason. Jada is just so wound up when it comes to her. She wouldn't talk to her last visit and today she wanted to throw a shoe at her.

But I am worried.

I don't want to think about elevating blood sugar levels. I don't want to even think about having to look for a brain tumor. I don't want to think about the fact that my child can't be worry free and has so much anxiety. I don't want to think about how she can't handle her frustration without lashing out at someone or something. I don't want to think about any of it.