Grief

I have been so not me lately. I have felt extremely low and completely broken and helpless. I don't like to feel this way, can't imagine that anyone would. I have never wanted to break down into tears so many times during the day before. So to get myself out of this rut I have been doing a lot (more than the usual) of thinking.

My thoughts...

My medication?? Possible.
PMS?? Possible.
Grief?? Possible.

Grief, you wonder?

I am in Holland. The view is lovely. The company is fabulous. But I am not in nor will I ever be on my way to Italy.

When Jada was first diagnosed with Diabetes, I went out and bought/read everything I could get my hand on. I read somewhere that dealing emotionally with having a child diagnosed with a chronic illness is like dealing with a loss of a loved one. Hence the grief.

According to the Kubler-Ross model, there are five stages of grief:

* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

And then, of course, you may not experience the stages in this order or at all.


As far as diabetes goes, I like to think that I have accepted it. Although, I do get angry with it at times and attempt to bargain it away. But that passes.

Bipolar, on the other hand, not so much. I must be in the depression phase. Maybe I am still in the angry phase. I know I can't bargain it away. But acceptance....nope, not there yet.

I am angry that Jada has yet another invisible problem that the outside world doesn't understand or think twice about. I am angry that most of our days are filled with yelling, crying, or screaming. I am angry that it isn't going anywhere.

But mostly, I am sad. I am sad for me. I am sad for Erin. And mostly, I am sad for Jada. Something else added to her plate. Something else ruining her childhood. Something else making her feel isolated and alone. Something else to deal with.

Unlike Jada, I can put my thoughts and feelings into words. I can say how horrible it is. I can say that I have just about had it. I can say that I am so tired of the bickering and whatever I do to solve the issue at hand is not the right thing. I can say I feel like a mess inside. I can say that I am ready to give up.

We go back to Jada's psych tomorrow afternoon. Two weeks ago, I was given an assignment. Two weeks have gone by and I haven't done it. I wonder what the point of it all is. Nothing helps. Jada feels terrible about herself. How can I help her when I feel the same way? How can she succeed when her mother feels like a failure?

In reality, there are many successful people with bipolar living fulfilling lives. I know Jada is doomed. I know to get there we have a long road ahead and a lot of hard work. But right now, I want to pull this car over and run away.