A Thin Line

Jada lives at the manic end of the bipolar spectrum. Hardly ever depressed. But her depressed isn’t what my depressed is. My depressed is can’t get out of bed, tired all the time, and lack of motivation to do anything. Jada’s depressed is still manic but with a burst of tears now and then or an outburst of emotional expressions coming out.

She has been a bit depressed over the last week. Still manic…can’t sit still, always talking or moving but depressed too.

She had an outburst of tears last week at school. She’s been more affectionate. She breaks down when she thinks she has done something wrong and rushed off to her room in tears.

But the emotional expressions are the hardest to deal with. There have been times in the past that she has expressed that she wanted me to drive her into a lake. She has asked before why was she ever born. She has asked why she has diabetes.

Tonight brought on another emotional outburst. It started at snack time before bed. She couldn’t decide on a snack. All that would make her happy was potato chips or ice cream. Umm no thank you. So she was upset. What kid wouldn’t be? That’s what started her meltdown. This was the first meltdown she has had in a VERY long time. Her meltdown included comments such as “I hate diabetes”, “This is the worst day of my life”, “I wish I was never born”, “This is a terrible life”.

What mom wants their child to feel that way?

What mom’s heart doesn’t ache when their child feels that way?

And the thing is, this is what she is able to express. What else is she feeling in there?

My initial reaction was to scoop her up and comfort her until she was calm and feeling better. And if it were strictly diabetes related I would have. Then throw in the fact that this all started from not getting the snack she wanted and you have a little bit of “normal” kid reaction multiplied by the reaction of a child with a mood disorder who is slightly depressed. What’s a mom to do? There’s no book for that!

It’s a thin line I walk. How do I comfort her in a situation like that? I chose to scoop her up and rock her for a bit. I tried to put her reaction into perspective by showing her that she was so upset about a snack. She didn’t want to hear that. She headed off to bed upset and crying.

Thin line in choosing my reactions to her moods.

What can I say? I’m a mood stabilizing, substitute pancreas. That’s who I am these days.