There have been a lot of changes in my world lately. But the big focus for me is that I am once again out of work.
I’m twenty-eight years old and I have no clue as to what I want to do with the rest of my life.
My psychiatrist tells me this is a great time for me to follow my dreams and go after what I am passionate about. So I’ve been thinking about that a lot. But I realized, I never grew up with a dream of being something in particular. I was raised to think that you finish high school, graduate from college, then get married. High school, check. College, not so check. Marriage, laugh out loud. Kids, check and check. So in many ways, I feel like a failure for not following the path expected.
I just knew college was expected but I never really thought about what job I ever wanted to have. Never really thought of how I wanted to spend my life. And I still don’t.
I’m not really passionate about anything. Even when the depression isn’t at the point it is now, there’s no passion. So I really just have options.
Option 1: Go back to college. Big question…. For what?
Option 2: Go back to work. Big issue…..flexibility. I am unable to get afterschool care for Jada because no one in the area wants to responsibility of taking care of type 1. Then there’s doctor visit after doctor visit. She has four at the moment. And what about days when school is closed? No one to watch her then either.
I asked myself what it is I want my girls to say about me when they are older. My dearest friend (who’s 50ish)’s mom was a single mother with two kids. She had no help from their father or assistance from the government and she made it. I consider my friend to have turned out quite well. She had/has similar issues to Jada minus diabetes and her brother was a bigger handful than she was. But her mom survived it. They all made it. We talk about it often and she has no clue as to how her mom did it. Her mom worked as a waitress while going to school. I wish I could talk to her mom today. Point being. She knows her mom did what needed to be done to take care of them and speaks very highly of her. So going through this now, what is it that I want Jada and Erin to remember about me one day?
At this point, I am very lost. I have no clue as to where I am headed or even know how to get there. But I guess you can’t know the directions until you know the destination.
I’m twenty-eight years old and I have no clue as to what I want to do with the rest of my life.
My psychiatrist tells me this is a great time for me to follow my dreams and go after what I am passionate about. So I’ve been thinking about that a lot. But I realized, I never grew up with a dream of being something in particular. I was raised to think that you finish high school, graduate from college, then get married. High school, check. College, not so check. Marriage, laugh out loud. Kids, check and check. So in many ways, I feel like a failure for not following the path expected.
I just knew college was expected but I never really thought about what job I ever wanted to have. Never really thought of how I wanted to spend my life. And I still don’t.
I’m not really passionate about anything. Even when the depression isn’t at the point it is now, there’s no passion. So I really just have options.
Option 1: Go back to college. Big question…. For what?
Option 2: Go back to work. Big issue…..flexibility. I am unable to get afterschool care for Jada because no one in the area wants to responsibility of taking care of type 1. Then there’s doctor visit after doctor visit. She has four at the moment. And what about days when school is closed? No one to watch her then either.
I asked myself what it is I want my girls to say about me when they are older. My dearest friend (who’s 50ish)’s mom was a single mother with two kids. She had no help from their father or assistance from the government and she made it. I consider my friend to have turned out quite well. She had/has similar issues to Jada minus diabetes and her brother was a bigger handful than she was. But her mom survived it. They all made it. We talk about it often and she has no clue as to how her mom did it. Her mom worked as a waitress while going to school. I wish I could talk to her mom today. Point being. She knows her mom did what needed to be done to take care of them and speaks very highly of her. So going through this now, what is it that I want Jada and Erin to remember about me one day?
At this point, I am very lost. I have no clue as to where I am headed or even know how to get there. But I guess you can’t know the directions until you know the destination.
4 comments:
Find a church? Find a support group? FIND SOMEONE! You need people around you to support you.
I can't tell you what path to choose, but I have a feeling you aren't giving yoursself credit where credit is do. You are good at something! Typing? Writing? Phlebotomy! Dig baby! You will find your way. I believe in you. You have come this far...you have fight in you! Hugs to you dear friend! I wish I could make it all better. Love you!!
Yep...dig deep girl. Your girls will remember that you did what had to be done to get them to adulthood with love, with care, with food and shelter. You can do this. Love you and thinking of you.
GREAT BIG HUGS TO YOU!! You can do this, don't give up!
I have faith in you too friend! These are the times when I really wish we all lived closer to each other. There is nothing better than finding support, I wish that for you! You can do this!! Keep a picture of all of us - your personal cheerleaders - in your mind and in your heart.
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