Single Parenting

Majority of the time, I don't mind being a single parent. There are lots of perks to me.

But there are a few times that I wish I had a partner to rely on.

For instance, Friday night. Erin went to bed with a glow stick. She then decided to bend it until it broke all over her face including going into her right eye. She started screaming something scary. Of course, my first thought was that Jada was having a seizure and she was frightened but out she came running with a yellow face. I immediately put her head back in the tub and started rinsing her eye. I called poison control and followed their instructions. But I was freaked out. All I kept thinking was I wish I had someone here with me. Someone to lean on. Someone to calm me down and tell me that my child would be blind. Yeah, like I said, I was freaking. Someone to stay with Jada in case a trip to the emergency room was needed at that late hour. To sum up the rest of this incident, a trip to the emergency room was needed the next morning as directed by poison control. The doctor said Erin has a burned cornea. The rest of Saturday was painful for her but today was much better. We follow up tomorrow with an eye doctor.

Then there was today. A birthday party that Erin was invited to. What am I supposed to do with Jada? Lock her in the closet? I've heard that's against the law. So I have to tow Jada along to crash a birthday party. I hated doing that since the family pays per child. I offered to pay for her but they insisted that I didn't need to. I still feel guilty about it.

Like I said, majority of the time, I don't mind being a single parent. I enjoy it. Well at least until trips to the emergency room leave me freaking out with two kids in tow.

She's Struggling

For the life of me I can't sleep. Even after taking my anxiety medication, still no shut eye for me. Guess I am just overflowing with worry.

Today, I handed in a letter to Jada's school requesting that she be evaluated for special education. I had the letter written for about a month now but after our last school meeting, I was very optimistic and thought things would go smoother than they have been.

Last grading period, Jada was on honor roll, even in conduct. This grading period is a whole other situation. Right now, she has two As (Conduct and Strings) and the rest are Cs and Ds. I am so distraught about it. I know Jada wants honor roll. She was crushed last year when she didn't receive a trophy at year end so I know that it means something to her. I know she is doing her best. But she is struggling. I hate that she has to struggle.

One issue is that often times, Jada doesn't write down her full assignments for homework or she forgets something that she needed to complete her work. I mean, how can you study for a test without the material to study? Lack of organizational skills is very common among children with ADHD. I have talked to her teacher several times about checking to be sure everything was written and that she had all her materials but it doesn't always happen. So when it happened again yesterday, I emailed her teacher (who is usually very accommodating) about Jada not having her notebook to study. The response was pretty much too bad. I say it that way but she didn't. She is a good teacher and person. And of all the third grade teachers there, I am thankful that Jada is in her class.

Another issue is....well I don't know why the sudden drastic changes in her grades. I asked her teacher for her opinion and she didn't exactly give me one. So I shall have to investigate.

Another mom of a special needs child suggested that maybe it has to due with the student teacher. Valid point. Maybe the student teacher is teaching more this grading period and the change has thrown Jada off. I hope it is something simple like that. I am going to see about that.

Truth is. It could be anything...any small detail from an outside source or something within her.

So why special education? She does have a 504 in place. With an IEP, she will have access to so many more resources and possible accommodations.

She is a bright girl. She is struggling. And I am at a loss on how to fix it.

I hate the realization that she will have struggles forever, whether diabetes or mood related. It just stinks.

Unfair

Who decided that things would be so unfair?

I don't usually sit in a bathe of self pity over unfairness but I am these last few days.

I have a special needs child and as such, I have limitations. I can only work during certain hours of the day because there is no one to care for my child outside of school hours. I take care of my child so I don't go out to meet other people or have any resemblance of a social life. I take responsibilities for my actions and where does that get me? Penniless. Lonely. Responsible.

I can't afford to make ends meet. I can't afford rent much less Christmas. And you say you'll help. Oh but wait. It becomes oh you're sorry. You can't. You work. You can work whatever hours you want because you don't have limits. And and you can go out or do whatever, whenever because again, you don't have limits. You don't take care of your responsibilities. But you can have a relationship. You can go walk the mall and buy brand new shoes while I am digging through clothes bins at church for myself.

So yeah. Who the hell decided things would be so effing unfair? Why am I the one is so much need when I am the one being responsible? Why can't I get ahead or even break even?

Why is it so easy for some people to cheat the system but so hard for me to get assistance for basic needs? Why did I get more when I had more and get less now that I have less?

I just have no idea.