Diabetes And Then Some

Hating Diabetes

2011-12-30T22:19:00.001-06:00

I am so tired of Diabetes.

I've been indifferent about diabetes most of these past three years. Indifferent because she also has bipolar disorder. Handling diabetes is so much more scientific and precise than trying to handle/treat the mood instabilities.

You see with diabetes, you know you need to check blood sugars and take insulin. Sure, it takes a bit of time to get the right dosages of insulin and right when you do, the insulin need changes. But its still just insulin.

There are so many medications to attempt to put together in the right combination with tolerable side effects that it can take so much time. Jada has been on every class of medication out there for mood stability that there is and her needs are still changing.

Back to indifference. I was indifferent because managing bipolar is just so much damn harder than managing diabetes.

But now. I am down right hating diabetes. I hate snack and meal times. I hate saying check your blood sugar. I hate having to bolus. I hate having to count carbs. I hate having to worry every time she goes to the bathroom too much. Diabetes just seems like such a bother.

Realistically, everything right now feels like a bother to me so I guess Diabetes just snuck itself into that category too.

Single Parenting

2011-12-18T21:54:00.001-06:00

Majority of the time, I don't mind being a single parent. There are lots of perks to me.

But there are a few times that I wish I had a partner to rely on.

For instance, Friday night. Erin went to bed with a glow stick. She then decided to bend it until it broke all over her face including going into her right eye. She started screaming something scary. Of course, my first thought was that Jada was having a seizure and she was frightened but out she came running with a yellow face. I immediately put her head back in the tub and started rinsing her eye. I called poison control and followed their instructions. But I was freaked out. All I kept thinking was I wish I had someone here with me. Someone to lean on. Someone to calm me down and tell me that my child would be blind. Yeah, like I said, I was freaking. Someone to stay with Jada in case a trip to the emergency room was needed at that late hour. To sum up the rest of this incident, a trip to the emergency room was needed the next morning as directed by poison control. The doctor said Erin has a burned cornea. The rest of Saturday was painful for her but today was much better. We follow up tomorrow with an eye doctor.

Then there was today. A birthday party that Erin was invited to. What am I supposed to do with Jada? Lock her in the closet? I've heard that's against the law. So I have to tow Jada along to crash a birthday party. I hated doing that since the family pays per child. I offered to pay for her but they insisted that I didn't need to. I still feel guilty about it.

Like I said, majority of the time, I don't mind being a single parent. I enjoy it. Well at least until trips to the emergency room leave me freaking out with two kids in tow.

She's Struggling

2011-12-01T23:20:00.001-06:00

For the life of me I can't sleep. Even after taking my anxiety medication, still no shut eye for me. Guess I am just overflowing with worry.

Today, I handed in a letter to Jada's school requesting that she be evaluated for special education. I had the letter written for about a month now but after our last school meeting, I was very optimistic and thought things would go smoother than they have been.

Last grading period, Jada was on honor roll, even in conduct. This grading period is a whole other situation. Right now, she has two As (Conduct and Strings) and the rest are Cs and Ds. I am so distraught about it. I know Jada wants honor roll. She was crushed last year when she didn't receive a trophy at year end so I know that it means something to her. I know she is doing her best. But she is struggling. I hate that she has to struggle.

One issue is that often times, Jada doesn't write down her full assignments for homework or she forgets something that she needed to complete her work. I mean, how can you study for a test without the material to study? Lack of organizational skills is very common among children with ADHD. I have talked to her teacher several times about checking to be sure everything was written and that she had all her materials but it doesn't always happen. So when it happened again yesterday, I emailed her teacher (who is usually very accommodating) about Jada not having her notebook to study. The response was pretty much too bad. I say it that way but she didn't. She is a good teacher and person. And of all the third grade teachers there, I am thankful that Jada is in her class.

Another issue is....well I don't know why the sudden drastic changes in her grades. I asked her teacher for her opinion and she didn't exactly give me one. So I shall have to investigate.

Another mom of a special needs child suggested that maybe it has to due with the student teacher. Valid point. Maybe the student teacher is teaching more this grading period and the change has thrown Jada off. I hope it is something simple like that. I am going to see about that.

Truth is. It could be anything...any small detail from an outside source or something within her.

So why special education? She does have a 504 in place. With an IEP, she will have access to so many more resources and possible accommodations.

She is a bright girl. She is struggling. And I am at a loss on how to fix it.

I hate the realization that she will have struggles forever, whether diabetes or mood related. It just stinks.

Unfair

2011-12-01T00:02:00.001-06:00

Who decided that things would be so unfair?

I don't usually sit in a bathe of self pity over unfairness but I am these last few days.

I have a special needs child and as such, I have limitations. I can only work during certain hours of the day because there is no one to care for my child outside of school hours. I take care of my child so I don't go out to meet other people or have any resemblance of a social life. I take responsibilities for my actions and where does that get me? Penniless. Lonely. Responsible.

I can't afford to make ends meet. I can't afford rent much less Christmas. And you say you'll help. Oh but wait. It becomes oh you're sorry. You can't. You work. You can work whatever hours you want because you don't have limits. And and you can go out or do whatever, whenever because again, you don't have limits. You don't take care of your responsibilities. But you can have a relationship. You can go walk the mall and buy brand new shoes while I am digging through clothes bins at church for myself.

So yeah. Who the hell decided things would be so effing unfair? Why am I the one is so much need when I am the one being responsible? Why can't I get ahead or even break even?

Why is it so easy for some people to cheat the system but so hard for me to get assistance for basic needs? Why did I get more when I had more and get less now that I have less?

I just have no idea.

Comments from this week

2011-11-07T21:18:00.000-06:00

Some things people have said over this past week have driven me absolutely up the wall.

We all get our share of stupid comments related to diabetes. We all get the questions that we give people the benefit of the doubt for not knowing any better. While volunteering this week at the school book fair, I had lunch with the girls on two separate days. On Friday, I ate with Jada. It happened to be a day where a dad was eating with his daughter and they were kind of across the table from us. His daughter mentioned something about Jada needing to go to the office and his dad asked her why. Her answer was that Jada had to go to the nurse because she has diabetes. Insert stupid commentary from the dad about how his so-and-so had diabetes really bad and blah blah blah. I wanted to jump across the table and smack him. I mean what do you do when you are at a table of third graders and all you want to say to another parent is “Dude, shut the hell up. Would you think about what is coming out of your mouth? Would you want someone saying the worst that could happen to your kid?”

Maybe calling the comments stupid is unfair. The comments are not thought out. They are just thoughts sent out into the world without being filtered or questioned whether or not they should be said.

Erin had a substitute on Thursday. Her idea of reminding the kids to study for their Spelling test was to tell them that in fourth grade they take ILeap testing and if they fail it they have to back to Pre-K. Seriously? I am thankful that Erin will believe me easily when I tell her that something isn’t true but other kids not so much.

Then one of the school nurses (of all people) told Jada that high blood sugar causes the veins in your eyes to pop out. Really? You are going to tell an eight year old a random, possible complication because her bg was in the 250s? Jada asked me about it. I had to explain to her the truth of what could happen after many, many years of unmanaged diabetes. She wasn’t quite sure about my answer so the next day, she asked another of the nurses the same question. She’s good now. And I did call the Nursing Supervisor about it. No Nurse should be telling her anything like that. It’s my job as her parent to fill her in. She’s only eight.

Why isn’t is as simple as we tell our kids what we think they need to know about diabetes when they need to know it? Why do people say things like the above without even thinking about it.

Maybe I should make a card that says “Please stop talking now. Think about what you are saying to a CHILD who has to live with this disease forever or until a cure is found. Would you want me telling your child about the possibilities of horrible car accidents that could happen to them? Didn’t think so. So why tell my child horror stories?” Or something like that to just hand over when someone speaks without thinking. Of course, at lunch that day, I wouldn’t have had them with me.

Think before you speak people!

Lost. Journey. Destination.

2011-09-13T23:16:00.002-05:00

There have been a lot of changes in my world lately. But the big focus for me is that I am once again out of work.

I’m twenty-eight years old and I have no clue as to what I want to do with the rest of my life.

My psychiatrist tells me this is a great time for me to follow my dreams and go after what I am passionate about. So I’ve been thinking about that a lot. But I realized, I never grew up with a dream of being something in particular. I was raised to think that you finish high school, graduate from college, then get married. High school, check. College, not so check. Marriage, laugh out loud. Kids, check and check. So in many ways, I feel like a failure for not following the path expected.

I just knew college was expected but I never really thought about what job I ever wanted to have. Never really thought of how I wanted to spend my life. And I still don’t.

I’m not really passionate about anything. Even when the depression isn’t at the point it is now, there’s no passion. So I really just have options.

Option 1: Go back to college. Big question…. For what?

Option 2: Go back to work. Big issue…..flexibility. I am unable to get afterschool care for Jada because no one in the area wants to responsibility of taking care of type 1. Then there’s doctor visit after doctor visit. She has four at the moment. And what about days when school is closed? No one to watch her then either.

I asked myself what it is I want my girls to say about me when they are older. My dearest friend (who’s 50ish)’s mom was a single mother with two kids. She had no help from their father or assistance from the government and she made it. I consider my friend to have turned out quite well. She had/has similar issues to Jada minus diabetes and her brother was a bigger handful than she was. But her mom survived it. They all made it. We talk about it often and she has no clue as to how her mom did it. Her mom worked as a waitress while going to school. I wish I could talk to her mom today. Point being. She knows her mom did what needed to be done to take care of them and speaks very highly of her. So going through this now, what is it that I want Jada and Erin to remember about me one day?

At this point, I am very lost. I have no clue as to where I am headed or even know how to get there. But I guess you can’t know the directions until you know the destination.

Before and After

2011-09-07T20:44:00.008-05:00

August 18 marked Jada's third diabetes diagnoses anniversary. In the weeks prior to her diagnoses, we went to the circus with a friend of hers. That night at the circus was filled with about a zillion trips to the bathroom. I think we spent more time watching toilets flush than watching animals do tricks. But that's before I knew. About a week later, we received a picture of Jada and her friend enjoying treats. After her diagnoses, I realized just how sickly Jada looked at the time. That picture was misplaced while getting our house ready to sell. But while sorting through pictures a few days ago for Erin's school project, I found pictures reminding me of just how sickly she looked. And I still had no clue that anything was wrong.

Here is Jada a month and a half before her diagnoses:

Here is Jada days before her diagnoses:

See the difference?

And I am happy to say that this is my precious little one now, three years later:

This was Jada as I left her at Diabetes camp this past summer.

To read about our diagnose chick here.

Pump Pouches and Medical IDs

2011-06-20T18:32:00.001-05:00

It's about that time again.

Needing to order new pump pouches and medical ids.

Where do you get yours from? What do you like about them? Any ones you've ordered before and didn't care for?

Input needed!

More to come soon.

I don't get it.

2011-04-19T17:32:00.002-05:00

I don't even know where my emotions and thoughts begin.

Why is it so flippin hard to find a summer program to accomodate my child? And its not the bipolar. Its the diabetes.

No summer camp is willing to take her. The school program can't afford to hire a nurse even if there was enough interest in the program to have it.

I can't afford to hire someone to watch her.

I found out that the city has a summer camp for special needs kids. Great! Or so I thought. I called thinking well we fit that criteria hands down. Apparantly, Jada is too special. Even they won't accomodate her. Because of her diabetes.

It just pisses me off. We learn to keep our kids alive in a four day hospital stay. And these people aren't willing to even learn over time how to care for them.

Certainly I can't be the only working parent in the universe without a support system that must rely on outside help to care for her special needs child. But I feel like it.

Everything is falling!

2011-03-13T21:57:00.003-05:00

Falling into place that is!

After being on the market for over a year, my mom's house finally sold. The deal closed on Friday.

Which left me and the girls without any place to go.

BUT

I've been getting hours again at the psych hospital I was at previously. And yes. I mean work hours, not patient hours. Although sometimes I wonder.

AND

An apartment complex was having a move-in special that I could afford. My brother cosigned for me because my credit is not so great after not working for almost a year.

AND

My other brother (and his wife) are letting me use one of their vehicles since I've been on foot since my wreck in November.

So....

After almost eight years of living under my mom's roof, I have a place of my own. Just me and the girls.

After almost three months of being on foot, depending on the catching the school bus every morning, I've got a vehicle.

After almost a year of no work, I've got that too!

Things couldn't be better....

Well until the love of my life walks through the door that is!

Undiagnosed

2011-03-13T21:32:00.003-05:00

I've had lots of emotions running through me this week. A lot of them have to do with the recent loss of an young boy who died as a result of going undiagnosed with Type 1. And far too many before him as well.

I realize that it wasn't Jada. But it could have been.

Jada showed the symptoms for about a month before she was diagnosed. She was constantly thirsty and going to the bathroom ALL the time. A few weeks before diagnoses, we were at the circus and spent most of the time going back and forth between our seats and the restroom. She had even dropped an entire clothing size within that month. I never knew anything was wrong. I can see now, looking back at the photo from the circus just how sickly she looked. She had really horrible meltdowns at meal times. She was cry and throw fits when it was time to eat. Once she ate, she was fine for a while then cranky again. I even warned her kindergarten teacher about it. But I never knew. The weekend before she was diagnosed, she laid around the house the majority of the time and I thought nothing of it except maybe kids need lazy days too.

I, however, was as sick as a dog that weekend. Slept a lot. Fever. Chills. Sick. Sick. Sick.

And because of that, Jada was diagnosed.

If I had not been sick, I would not have taken off of work. And I definitely would not have taken Jada into the doctor for laying around.

But I was sick and I brought Jada in just in case she was coming down with something.

Even then, I didn't mention the thirst, urination, and weight loss to the nurse. When the doctor came in, I mentioned them as a "Oh yeah. And she's been drinking constantly, peeing all the time, and she dropped a clothing size in weight in the last month." He says "Did you tell the nurse all this?" Nope I sure hadn't. Didn't think much of it.

By one that afternoon, she was diagnosed and we were headed for Pediatric ICU.

So like I said. It could have been Jada. And it would have been had I not been sick.

I wish I would have known the warning signs. I wish that there were precautions in place to prevent children and adults from not being diagnosed.

I've never been so thankful in my entire life for being sick.

A Thin Line

2011-01-31T23:07:00.005-06:00

Jada lives at the manic end of the bipolar spectrum. Hardly ever depressed. But her depressed isn’t what my depressed is. My depressed is can’t get out of bed, tired all the time, and lack of motivation to do anything. Jada’s depressed is still manic but with a burst of tears now and then or an outburst of emotional expressions coming out.

She has been a bit depressed over the last week. Still manic…can’t sit still, always talking or moving but depressed too.

She had an outburst of tears last week at school. She’s been more affectionate. She breaks down when she thinks she has done something wrong and rushed off to her room in tears.

But the emotional expressions are the hardest to deal with. There have been times in the past that she has expressed that she wanted me to drive her into a lake. She has asked before why was she ever born. She has asked why she has diabetes.

Tonight brought on another emotional outburst. It started at snack time before bed. She couldn’t decide on a snack. All that would make her happy was potato chips or ice cream. Umm no thank you. So she was upset. What kid wouldn’t be? That’s what started her meltdown. This was the first meltdown she has had in a VERY long time. Her meltdown included comments such as “I hate diabetes”, “This is the worst day of my life”, “I wish I was never born”, “This is a terrible life”.

What mom wants their child to feel that way?

What mom’s heart doesn’t ache when their child feels that way?

And the thing is, this is what she is able to express. What else is she feeling in there?

My initial reaction was to scoop her up and comfort her until she was calm and feeling better. And if it were strictly diabetes related I would have. Then throw in the fact that this all started from not getting the snack she wanted and you have a little bit of “normal” kid reaction multiplied by the reaction of a child with a mood disorder who is slightly depressed. What’s a mom to do? There’s no book for that!

It’s a thin line I walk. How do I comfort her in a situation like that? I chose to scoop her up and rock her for a bit. I tried to put her reaction into perspective by showing her that she was so upset about a snack. She didn’t want to hear that. She headed off to bed upset and crying.

Thin line in choosing my reactions to her moods.

What can I say? I’m a mood stabilizing, substitute pancreas. That’s who I am these days.

A Manic Day of Bowling

2011-01-30T23:25:00.003-06:00

Today was a special day for Jada and I. Erin was off with her dad so I decided to make up for Jada's father's lack of interest by doing whatever she wanted to do.

Bowling and ice cream.

Sounds good.

She was so elated and excited that she never sat still. She was off and running from the moment she woke up.

There were a few moments at the bowling alley that she seemed to be in stress overload. But we got through them. We played some arcade games after we bowled and she won 100 tickets on a spin. She screamed! Everyone turned and looked at her. Sometimes I wonder if people can tell she has difficulties. Sometimes I see what a struggle she is having at that moment and wonder if others can too. Most of the time, I don't worry about other people. But sometimes I do. I did today a few times.

Then came the ice cream. Her bg was already 365 but there was no going back. So she chose a waffle cone with sprinkles, a mixture of cotton candy and cheesecake ice cream, and gummy bears mixed in. I bolused for what I figured and away we went. She was a blue faced, blue hands mess. But she enjoyed it. She was a kid.

I definitely under bolused. What can I say? The SWAG (Scientific Wild Ass Guess) Method doesn't always work. I checked her for dinner time -- 522! That was after 5 units for the ice cream and 2.65 units for the bg.

She had a good day. We did everything she had requested.

But she was manic the entire day. She never sat still. Not even to eat dinner.

Thank goodness for sleep meds is all I can say!

Stress Overload

2011-01-27T01:34:00.002-06:00

So much stress.

I find myself awake most nights these days. I am physically exhausted but my mind never quits. I lay in bed and it [my mind] acts like the freaking Energizer Bunny. It keeps going and going and going. So much in there.

Diabetes. Mood instabilities. Hypothyroidism. Defiance.

Then the "normal" stuff.

School. Homework. Housework. Dinner. Baths. Hair. Bed time. Math facts.

Then the newest thing. Jada's dad is now threatening to show up at school. Excuse me. You haven't been involved in seven and a half years. Now you decide to jump in. Don't get me wrong, I am all for him being involved. He's just going about it the wrong way. There are no custody arrangements so legally he could sign her out of school and there is nothing I could do about it. I'm concerned about her safety. Diabetes. He doesn't know the first thing about it. Never checked a blood sugar, given her insulin. NOTHING. I wouldn't worry so much if it weren't for diabetes. If she didn't have diabetes and he picked her up, I would still know that she would get back to me safe and alive. But reality is she does have diabetes. He wouldn't know to check her blood sugar. He wouldn't know to count carbs, let alone how to give her insulin or even know that is needed. I have been through many conversations, asking him to learn about her conditions but he hasn't. I could go on and on. Maybe this deserves its own blog post. Never the less, its a safety concern. I want my child to be safe and alive. I don't think that's asking too much.

What else?

Let's see. There's the lack of job, lack of car (so I can't get a job), lack of money (see previous), Jada's medical bills that aren't getting paid and soon to be homeless.

All this stress is now effecting my health. My blood pressure has been high for days. . My back is in pain and full of knots.

Guess this post turned into a bit of a pity party. I know its not all doom and gloom like it sounds. Deep down I know things will work out and get better but right now I'm in stress overload. Plus, a girls gotta vent right?

Maybe I can sleep now.

It's Official

2011-01-27T01:31:00.002-06:00

Jada's endocrinologist (Dr. F) called this morning. She received the lab results from Dr. O's office. Hypothyroidism it is. Add a pill to the daily ritual. At least it's pink which made Jada happy.

Unbelievable

2011-01-25T10:37:00.003-06:00

Jada's current mood stabilizing medication combination:

Intuniv (ADHD) 2 mg
Lithium (mood stabilizer) 300 mg
Tegretal (mood stabilizer) 100 mg
Prozac (anxiety) 5 mg

Lithium (mood stabilizer) 300 mg
Tegretal (mood stabilizer) 100 mg
Clonodine (for sleep) 0.1 mg

In case you are wondering, yes this is a lot of medication for such a young person. Even her psychiatrist is leery about using such doses of these heavy hitting medicines for Jada. But they are necessary for Jada's ability to function. So we press on doing lab work to check lithium and tegretal levels frequently.

Funny thing, not ha ha but weird.

After Jada's last appointment with Dr. O, we increased her lithium and tegretal dosages because Jada lives in a mostly hypo manic-manic state. Here's that funny not ha ha thing. Since that increase, the lithium level in her system has remained the same. THE SAME. Not increased like it should but remained the same. So we are still not at therapeutic levels (the level where the medication is deemed to most effective). Which means there is room to increase it to attempt to tackle the manic behavior.

Sounds doable right? Well, not so fast. A side effect of the lithium is hypothyroidism. Lab work indicates that Jada now has that on top of everything else. BUT she is showing no signs or symptoms of it. Common signs are fatigue, sluggishness, sensitivity to cold and weight gain. Yeah, well, Jada has none of that. Dr. O was quite surprised when I described Jada's behavior to be quite the opposite. Jada is hyper all day with increased hyperactivity in the evenings. She has to take medication to settle down for sleep otherwise no one would be getting any. She is the opposite of me when it comes to temperature. She hates wearing a coat and is the first one to complain of being hot. She has gained one pound in the past three months. Another reason to see the endocrinologist.

I've never been a fan of the idea of treating the side effects of medication with more medication but I just don't see any other way around it in this case. Without medication, Jada would not be able to function. She would live in a constant state of mania and would easily flip into rages. We've been there. We can't go back.

Depression

2011-01-19T17:52:00.003-06:00

I went missing. Missing from even myself.

I've been a person going through the motions of life.

Depression got the best of me these last seven months. Summertime came. We got off schedule. I became less of a priority to myself. All that combined, I started missing doses of my medicine a day at a time. That soon become days. Then a week. Until I thought I was ok with out it and stopped taking it completely. But the hard stuff in life hit me harder than it should. The lows drug me lower. It took me quite some time to notice the downward spiral I was on. Once I did notice, I didn’t know how to get out much less have the energy to get out. So further down I continued to go.

Depression is a powerful thing. It can grab a hold on you and not let you go. It’s like a strong current in the ocean, you never notice it pulling you away until you look up and see how far you drifted from the beach. Then you have to swim extremely hard to get out of it. Powerful. Depression can lead to hoplessness which can lead you to make some not so smart decisions. Decisions like the ones I've been making for the last seven months.

I’ve been stuck in the current for quite some time. So I sit here looking at how far I have drifted from the beach and figuring how to swim my way back.

This may not be what my blog is intended to be about but it’s a part of my life. I’m not ashamed I suffer from depression. Always have. I started on medication in August 2007 and as life has shown me, medication is needed for me to function.

I am better than I was at one point but still have a long way to go to be where I am a functioning person and mother.

Update: Since I posted this, I have started an additional blog about my depression. Please visit http://adrepessedbipolar.blogspot.com/. I have had an overwhelming amount of hits to this post, so please go over to my other blog and join me in my journey.

Plan

2011-01-18T15:34:00.000-06:00

I plan on updating soon.

Miss you all.

Stupid Comments

2010-07-22T20:13:00.001-05:00

Talk about stupid comments. I’m sure most people mean well, but they really don’t know what the heck they are talking about.

Jada had to get labs done to check her Depakote level and a few other things. So there I was sitting at the admitting desk talking to the registration lady. Jada was a little too manic to sit still with me so she was bouncing back and forth between my friend who was in the waiting area and me. Jada told the lady that she sometimes she likes to hit people when she is angry and upset. I was looking at Jada but I can see the lady looking at me with the strangest look ever. Side note: Jada doesn’t often express her thoughts or feelings very often so when she does, I let her talk and I listen. I really don’t care who is around. Any insight I can get into her mind, I do. End side note. So I looked over at the lady who then started back doing what she needed to do. The conversation that took place included the lady asking me if she was good about doing lab work, to which I said yes. The diagnoses code on the lab order said medication management. The lady said something like Jada seems to be a handful. I responded with sometimes she is. Then she said that I have to get a hold on that soon. I was just thinking yeah, okay. I informed the lady that Jada was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. She couldn’t believe. She said that Jada seems really smart and that was all it was and that doctors want to put labels on all these kids. Yeah okay woman. There is nothing wrong with her. All seven year old girls punch their sisters all the time. All of them have to get held down so that they don’t break themselves or something else. All seven year old girls talk about killing people, especially their sister just because they can’t cope being in the same room as them. Sure lady. She is the average seven year old girl. Sure, she is just misunderstood. Sure. Okay.

It was a pointless battle.

But thinking about it now, I may have missed an opportunity to be an advocate against the stigma that is associated with childhood mental illness. But then again this particular lady seemed to have her opinions set in stone.

Unless you live it, you can’t fully understand what it feels like to have your precious child say and do such awful things. You can’t imagine the pain of watching one kid take their aggravations out on another and fear that maybe they can’t live under the same roof. You can’t imagine the possibility of having to choose between them. You can’t imagine living each day on the edge of a cliff, always on alert, anticipating your child’s next move. You can’t imagine the dread that medications won’t work and the desperate hope that you have to cling to in order to make it through the day without falling over that cliff.

Hopeless

2010-07-22T20:00:00.001-05:00

I started to write about feeling pretty hopeless. Hopeless about Jada’s mood stability and medications. I knew what I was feeling wasn’t really warranted since we hadn’t discussed new med options with Dr. O. Well, today we did.

Let me back up a little. We picked Jada up from camp on Saturday morning. You would expect that after a week away from you that your kid would be excited to see you and come running to you with open arms. The dad behind me got that reaction. Me…not so much. Jada walked over with a little stomp in her step. She did hug me but there was no smile. Then she headed off to the bunk house. From there, she went to swing. I was a bit disappointed but I knew not to let it get to me. There were lots of people and commotion and I attributed her reaction to anxiety. The ride home was not much better. Well the first thirty minutes were great. She talked a bit about camp and the activities. She answered a few questions but was easily getting aggravated by them. So we let her tell us what she wanted us to know and that was that. The drive was full of aggressive behavior from Jada towards Erin. She hit Erin in the nose, which was a first. She kept putting her hands on her and trying to irritate her. It wasn’t pretty. Had Jada not fallen asleep, I would have pulled the car over and put the third row seat up and put one back there.

The next day, Sunday, Jada was all over the place. Very manic and very aggressive. I spent a lot of time separating Erin from Jada to keep her from getting hurt. Jada was spitting on her and on everything. Erin got hit the face, stomach, and arm. After that day, I had had enough and figured Erin had to. My mom came to get Erin for a sleepover. I HATE that Erin has to have a safe place to go. I HATE that Erin doesn’t feel safe around her own sister.

This morning was our appointment with Dr. O and I was very thrilled about it. Jada wasn’t. Dr. O got to see Jada in all her aggressive and agitated glory. I told Dr. O about the behaviors toward her sister and about not sleeping well.

Our options. Since the neuroleptics (Abilify and Geodon) caused dangerously high blood sugars which were very insulin resistant and the excessive weight gain, those are not really good options. Dr. O said that the only place to go from here is Lithium. Jada has not been on Lithium before and quite honestly I am terrified. But as always, I will do what needs to be done. She starts tomorrow. Another level that has to be watched which means more blood work. Just when her Endo starts doing the in office, finger poke A1Cs, Jada then has to start different types of blood work. Dr. O has never put someone as young as Jada on Lithium but I know there are kids out there her age taking it. Dr. O said that we are really out of options. If the Lithium doesn’t have the effect needed, then Jada will have to go back on a neuroleptic and be admitted to the hospital so that her blood sugars can be attacked more aggressively in a controlled environment. Not what I want to hear. I will cross that bridge it need be.

So I have reason to feel hopeless. I have many hopeless thoughts going through my head. The what ifs are endless. What if the Lithium doesn’t work? What if Jada has to go back on the neuroleptics? How much weight will she gain? What if she become toxic on the Lithium? What if no medications work better than now? What if she has to live life being manic? What if nothing helps?

And don’t get me started on the whys!

Update on Jada's Mood and Meds

2010-07-16T23:44:00.002-05:00

Jada's current meds are:

Depakote (mood stabilizer) 375 mg in am 500 mg in pm
Intuniv (non-stimulant ADHD med) 2 mg at 5 pm
Prozac (anxiety) 5 mg in pm

Until last week, she was also on Geodon (mood stabilizer). Due to several factors including increased appetite (which is an understatement) which caused a twenty pound weight gain and insulin resistance (not good at all for her diabetes). And I found her to become very tired an hour after each dose of the Geodon. Her doctor agreed with me that it would be best that she come off.

Since she has been at camp this week, I don't really know how her being off of the Geodon has affected her appetite, mood, or insulin needs. I hope to see tomorrow. But of course, she was way more active at camp than she is at home which won't really give me a clear answer as far as insulin goes.

We head back to the doctor on Tuesday where we will cover it all.

Her anxiety has definitely improved since adding the Prozac, even at that low of a dose.

That is it for tonight! My brain is fried!

Diabetes Camp: In the Majority but Not

2010-07-16T22:28:00.004-05:00

Jada has been at the American Diabetes Association Diabetes Camp. It has been quite a week.

I was very prepared to send her. I knew her D care would be in great hands. After all, the camp is staffed with Nurses, Doctors, and Dieticians as well as the camp counselors. I had no doubt that the staff could handle any D senario that could come up.

But Jada has more than D. She requires more attention. Her mood shifts in an instant. She can be smiling one moment and hitting someone the next. Multi-step directions can be overwhelming and can cause her to become aggitated. Many things can take her in any direction.

But I was ready to send her. I had been counting down. I needed a break. A break from D. A break from the mood shifts. A break from the hitting. A break from it all.

And that is what I got.

Sunday, we drove the two and a half hours to camp for drop off. She was as ready to be there as I was to let her be there. We met with the nurse, dieticians, nurse (again), pharmacists (for her oral meds), and the doctor. We were done. I got her settled into her bunk. Of course, we were late so all that was left were top bunks, which was aggrivation number one. She was all happy to climb up there but too scared to get down. The counselor happily moved her to a bottom bunk that another counselor had. Problem one...solved. She changed into her swimsuite, kissed me bye and headed out. As did I.

We had a nice drive home, stopping at every Wendy's for a Frosty and every Dairy Queen for a dipped cone along the way. No bg checks. No carb counting. No bolusing.

Sunday night, I had a freak out moment where I wanted to jump in the car and get her but someone smart talked me out of it. I freaked out. But I calmed down and she stayed the week. I couldn't talk too much about her because I would freak out everytime.

The week went by very quietly. I never heard from camp so I went with the no news is good news mentality and held the freak out moments to a minimum.

Today is Friday. I got to see her tonight. I was so excited but scared all at the same time. Of course, I missed her like crazy. She has been with me for the last seven years, at my side for seven years. And this week she wasn't. But I was also scared. I had no idea how her mood had been for the week. Did she get aggressive at all? Had she screamed at anyone? Was she able to participate in the activities without difficulties? I had no idea. I wasn't scared at all about her diabetes care, she was in capable hands. But her mood. I had no idea what to expect. How would she be when she saw us?

There we were, waiting in the pavillion for the closing festivities to begin. Scared. Nervous. Excited. The campers start to come. And I see her. She sees us. She let out this squeal to pure joy and excitement. That sound, so beautiful, is right up there with her first cry, first words, first I love you. It was great. Then she was telling her friends that we were her family. It was a great moment. She came in with her group, participating, which was a feat within itself. To her, singing is boring. It's camp, there are camp songs.

Anywho. She sat like she was supposed to. The awards were handed out. Erin, so cute, sat anxiously waiting for Jada to win one but she didn't (no biggie). We watched a slide show from the week. I was so excited to see many of Jada smiling and involved. Then there was this picture of a few kids sitting in a row eating watermelon. Then there were a few pictures of kids checking their blood sugars. Then it hit me. All that excitment I felt, turned to, well I can't find the word to describe it. I got teary eyed. I knew that Jada was at camp with kids with D. My head knew it. But in that moment, seeing those pictures, my heart knew it. Jada, for once, was in the majority. Tears filled my eyes.

Not too much longer, we were headed outside for the bonfire. There I saw Jada begin to disinigrate. She became not able to sit still. She started throwing her glow necklace around. She was not able to listen and stay on task. And it hit me. Even among kids with D, she still is in the minority. Even standing in line to check bgs or ketones, she is still not fitting in. She still has mood disorder. Then it really hit home when the campfire was over and it was time for the campers to head back to the bunk houses. Jada wanted me to go with her and see her bag. I explained to her that I couldn't as did her counselor. She became aggitated at that thought. Her counselor had to pretty much escort her to the bunk house. It broke me. Of course, I am assuming that that sort of thing happened throughout the week, but I really don't know. I get to pick her up in the morning at nine. I am sure it will be chaotic. But I will get to bring Jada home with me. I will have my answers then.

Internet!

2010-07-04T21:41:00.001-05:00

I have internet!

Blog update to come!

How things are going!

2010-06-08T21:16:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I am actually connected to the Internet right now. It is amazing how attached we become to such things. Thankfully, I can still Facebook on my phone and do email but I find it too difficult to attempt to update my blog from there. I am currently sitting at a coffee place enjoying the smell but not the taste...caffeine at this time would have me up all night. So get ready for my update because I am sure it will be long.

Well before I start that I just want to say that I have been keeping up with blog reading. I just can't comment from my phone.

There are quite a few of the families with bipolar kids that I follow that are going through really rough times, including one little girl who is Jada's age that was just hospitalized and another younger boy who is close to it. You all are on my mind. If you need the extra support or someone to talk to feel free to email me or connect through Facebook which is easy for me to do on my phone.

And a shout out to all my D-moms out there! I miss the Sunday night chats! Of course the last few weeks, I've been a bit busy *wink, wink*.

Me

I am doing very well. Things have been better for me since my last couple of doom and gloom posts. So what is different? Summer plans for the girls fell through for a few reasons: money, procrastination, and diabetes. Last summer Jada went to YMCA camp and enjoyed it. They would accommodate her insulin needs and they were the only ones. They usually have scholarship money available to help with the weekly fees but I waited too long to register them and missed out on it. Of course, I had to wait for the money for registration so you know a vicious circle. The weekly fees weren't more expensive than anywhere else but you also have an activity fee of two hundred dollars per child so with two kids I just couldn't do it. So now what? I quit one of my jobs. I still have my job at the psych hospital and have officially been made an employee as of yesterday. Until then I was PRN (as needed) which means as census (number of patients) drops so did my hours. Census has been low so I have not actually worked for the last two weeks. I am unsure about what my new hours will be and when they start. My mom, who works at a school, finishes her year this Friday. After that, she has agreed to keep Jada since no one will accommodate her D care. I will have to find things for them to do such as story time at the library or cheap stuff but it will work out. Erin will attend a daycare which I can get financial assistance for during the day. That will work great to give the two of them a break from each other. Erin is excited since she should be two of her friends there.

Jada

Jada has had at least one (if not more) anger meltdowns per day where she resorts to screaming or hitting or threatening to hit someone. Her evening manic behavior has been about the same which is good since she is taking the Abilify at 3 pm and Intuniv at 5 pm.

Some concerns are her anxiety, appetite, and boredom. She is becoming more anxious about stuff again. She is afraid to be in a room by herself. She is completely afraid of bugs again. She saw a spider in her room the other day and refused to go back in there. I told her that I saw the spider run out into the bathroom. She had to be assured several times. But then when it was bath time, she said she couldn't go there because of the spider. I then told her that I killed the spider. But because she didn't see me do (because I actually hadn't) it took quite a bit of convincing. One night in the bath tub, she caught a glimpse of her hair out the corner of her eye and darn near jumped straight out of the tub. It has been difficult. Her appetite. I don't know about your D kids, but Jada has always had a big appetite. Starting the Abilify was like putting her appetite on steroids. She is never full. She can out eat me and I like to eat. All I hear all day is that she is hungry. She has gained 11 pounds since April 1 when she started the Abilify and is now in the 90th percentile for her weight. She doesn't look overweight, just solid and she always has. I really didn't notice the last five pounds until we were shopping for a swimsuit and she had to go up a size. I grew up overweight so I certainly don't want her to have to deal with all of that. As far as boredom goes, she is bored! She is attached to me all the time. She has not played with toys in over a week. I have to force her to go do something besides being stuck to me.

We saw Dr. O this morning. She is not concerned with the boredom at this point thinking it may have something to do with summer and being home with me for the last two weeks. So I let it go for now. Although I read that boredom can be a sign of depression in children. Who knows??? Dr. O is concerned about her weight gain and her anxiety. I was left to make a decision of which I wanted to address. Dr. O will not make two changes at a time which I believe to be a good rule of thumb but I want her stable NOW. Jada was once on a med for anxiety but was taken off when she started the Strattera. I chose to change her Abilify. Since it isn't the perfect one (don't know if there is) and she is still having anger issues daily maybe the next med might be the one. Suckiest thing about mental health issues is the med trials. You have to give it time and see if it works. Dr. O switched her to Geodon right away and said we should know rather quickly whether or not it will work for her. Summer is a good time for this since Dr. O said it could get rough. We shall see. Then of course Dr. O is heading out of the country for three weeks after next week so we will update her later this week and see her next week before she heads out. Another consideration with the switch is that the Abilify had effects of Jada's blood sugar causing me to double her basal rates. I am not sure how the Geodon will affect that yet. Another wait and see thing. Another reason I am glad I am home with her.

Jada and Erin are both attending Vacation Bible School this week and enjoying every minute of it. I love that Jada can be social right now. I love that she is able to be with other kids her age and just be a kid. And even better is that they have a nurse there to attend to her D needs!

Next week, Jada may be at another church camp for the week. It depends on if we get financial assistance from the church. They will also have a nurse there.

Erin

Erin is doing well. She graduated Pre-K and is ready to head to kindergarten. She will be starting at a daycare for the summer that will work with her to continue her skills. She is such a smart girl! She seems okay most of the time. I am sure I won't know until later the effects everything else has on her.

The House

Our six month contract with the realtor has expired which means...the house is not sold. We will be listing it with another realtor and I am in the process of decluttering again. I don't know why people want to buy a house with nothing in it since no one lives that freaking neat and clean anyway! All I know is that it needs to sell.

Catching Up

2010-05-12T11:22:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it has been an entire week since I last posted. I have had many things that I could have blogged about but I currently have very limited Internet access so that doesn't help.

Things are going pretty well. Nothing major to report.

I have become one of those parents (which isn't a bad thing) that is counting down until the end of the school year. Enough is enough. I am ready for a new teacher and whole lot less drama. Like yesterday, Jada's bg was too high and her PE teacher (who has D) was lecturing her on making better food choices....HELLO, she is six years old. Not to mention, it could have been a bad site or missed bolus or something else....and basically....NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. This will be discussed in meetings for the next school year. I want it made clear that no one is to lecture Jada on such things. It just really aggravates me since she is an older lady who smokes and drinks (choices in which I may or may not agree with) and you are lecturing my kid on how to be healthy and take care of herself!

Jada saw Dr. O yesterday. We are increasing her Intuniv at 5 pm to 2mg. Taking the Abilify at 3 pm is DEFINITELY helping with her manic evenings. Now that a lot of the evening mania has decreased, I am seeing her become aggravated over little things around bed time which then makes it harder for her to go to sleep. One thing at a time.

Erin is sad that the school year is ending. She doesn't want to leave her current school or teachers. Things at home are hard for her. It seems when Jada is aggravated about anything, she takes it out on Erin. Erin and I have had many talks about Jada's words and her not meaning them. I think she understands, as much as a five year old can. She is such a smart kid. I am excited to see what her future holds.

Grief

2010-05-04T12:15:00.001-05:00

I have been so not me lately. I have felt extremely low and completely broken and helpless. I don't like to feel this way, can't imagine that anyone would. I have never wanted to break down into tears so many times during the day before. So to get myself out of this rut I have been doing a lot (more than the usual) of thinking.

My thoughts...

My medication?? Possible.
PMS?? Possible.
Grief?? Possible.

Grief, you wonder?

I am in Holland. The view is lovely. The company is fabulous. But I am not in nor will I ever be on my way to Italy.

When Jada was first diagnosed with Diabetes, I went out and bought/read everything I could get my hand on. I read somewhere that dealing emotionally with having a child diagnosed with a chronic illness is like dealing with a loss of a loved one. Hence the grief.

According to the Kubler-Ross model, there are five stages of grief:

* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

And then, of course, you may not experience the stages in this order or at all.

As far as diabetes goes, I like to think that I have accepted it. Although, I do get angry with it at times and attempt to bargain it away. But that passes.

Bipolar, on the other hand, not so much. I must be in the depression phase. Maybe I am still in the angry phase. I know I can't bargain it away. But acceptance....nope, not there yet.

I am angry that Jada has yet another invisible problem that the outside world doesn't understand or think twice about. I am angry that most of our days are filled with yelling, crying, or screaming. I am angry that it isn't going anywhere.

But mostly, I am sad. I am sad for me. I am sad for Erin. And mostly, I am sad for Jada. Something else added to her plate. Something else ruining her childhood. Something else making her feel isolated and alone. Something else to deal with.

Unlike Jada, I can put my thoughts and feelings into words. I can say how horrible it is. I can say that I have just about had it. I can say that I am so tired of the bickering and whatever I do to solve the issue at hand is not the right thing. I can say I feel like a mess inside. I can say that I am ready to give up.

We go back to Jada's psych tomorrow afternoon. Two weeks ago, I was given an assignment. Two weeks have gone by and I haven't done it. I wonder what the point of it all is. Nothing helps. Jada feels terrible about herself. How can I help her when I feel the same way? How can she succeed when her mother feels like a failure?

In reality, there are many successful people with bipolar living fulfilling lives. I know Jada is doomed. I know to get there we have a long road ahead and a lot of hard work. But right now, I want to pull this car over and run away.

Welcome to Holland

2010-05-03T11:26:00.001-05:00

For anyone who hasn't read this yet or needed a reminder (like I do)!

Welcome to Holland

By Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.""Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place.

It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things...about Holland.

Psych Week on Discover Health Channel

2010-05-01T13:05:00.003-05:00

The Discovery Health Channel is doing a one week series on mental health issues May 2-7.

I am thrilled. There is so much misinformation and stigma attached to mental illness especially with children. I excited about the public awareness they will be bringing to these misunderstood diseases.

Here is the schedule in Eastern Time:

Sunday: Anxious @ 9 pm
Enraged @ 10 pm

Monday: Woman with 15 Personalities @ 9 pm

Tuesday: Born Schizophrenic @ 9

Thursday: Bipolar Mysteries: Families in Crisis @ 9

Friday: Hoarding, Buried Alive @ 9

I am really looking forward to watching Bipolar Mysteries on Thursday night. It focuses on children and one child and family featured is a family from a blog that I read. I have watched the clips for the show and I see a lot of Jada's behaviors there. If you have a chance to watch, please do. You can get a bird's eye view into the lives of families dealing with mental illness.

I get it!

2010-04-30T23:18:00.003-05:00

I work in a fifteen story building downtown. On my floor, there is an office that houses therapists and counselors that some companies use as a benefit for their employees. Today, when I walked out of my office to the main hallway, there was a mother with an arm around her son. He was facing her with his face pressed into his shoulder. There she was standing, holding a book in one hand with her purse strap on her shoulder embracing her son with her free arm. My first thought was...I get it. I wanted to hug her and say I get it. She had the slightest smile on her face, a smile of relief. I don't know her or her son but I know that feeling. The feeling you have when your child is holding their emotions in for so long and they finally let it out. You feel for them for what they are feeling and going through but you are also a bit relieved to finally know what they are feeling. They are letting it out. They are sharing it with you. They are allowing you to be there for them. To the lady in the hallway today...I get it.

Just a Quick Update

2010-04-30T10:44:00.002-05:00

Jada saw Dr. O yesterday morning. I, of course, had a list of things going on with Jada that need attention. One step at a time. One change at a time.

I have been keeping a close eye on Jada's actual mood pattern throughout the last week. I find that she is mainly calm and in control throughout the day but come later afternoon (around 4pm) and for the evening she is all over the place. She is wild and uncontrollable. She is aggressive and easily aggravated. Dr. O wants to move up the time Jada gets her Abilify to 2:30 or 3 in the afternoon. So of course I talk to the school about this and their policy is that they can not give medication within an hour of school letting out. Of course not!!!

Dr. O also wants to start Jada back on Intuniv which was used as a blood pressure medicine but is also used for ADHD. She is hoping that the Intuniv will work better now that Jada is on the Abilify. She wants me to check Jada's blood pressure and pulse twice a day, everyday. So I need a child size blood pressure cuff. Easy enough right? Nope. No one has that.

Jada has had trouble settling down for sleep every night for the last week. Dr. O and I are hoping that changing the Abilify to the afternoon will help.

Erin is afraid of Jada a lot of the time. Makes total sense though. I would be too. It sucks having to send her to sleep in another room just so she can go to sleep safely and feel safe in her own house.

I am glad the rages are happening less often and don't last as long as they once did. We are making progress in the right direction but we still have a ways to go!

I am so exhausted. I spend so much of my time and energy on worrying about what to do and how to handle things and what is coming next. I think that is catching up with me.

I am so tired of everything being a big deal. Jada needs medicine at a certain time, so give it to her. Why must it be a big ordeal? Jada needs a certain size cuff. Why does no one carry it? Why must I call all over town and towns nearby only to not find it? Why is everything a big hassle? Why can I not get a break?

Live Traffic Feed

2010-04-28T12:24:00.002-05:00

I recently added a live traffic feed just because I am so curious about who is reading my blog. Living in naive land, I kind of just thought it was a small group of D-Moms and now BP-Moms that I have made connections with through blogs and/or Facebook.

So I checked my traffic feed this morning and was floored when I see all the places that have visited me here. I am thankful that you all have stopped by and would love you hear from you...I love comments!

Here are a few places that have been here:

British Columbia
Kansas City
Moscow
Plano, TX
Chicago
Memphis, TN
Fishkill, New York
Green River, Wyoming
Norway
Massachusetts
Paris, France
Connecticut
North Carolina
Missouri
Baton Rouge (which interests me because this is just down the road)
Alaska
United Kingdom
Minnesota
Maryland
Vermont

I am excited about all these visitors. Maybe that makes me nerdy...but who cares???

I would love to hear from you!

Random Stuff

2010-04-28T10:03:00.002-05:00

As much as I love when things are calm, I hate to post about it, as if I am somehow jinxing it.

Jada's mood has been pretty stable. She did have a rage on Sunday evening (of course, right when the D-Mom chat was getting started) complete with hitting, name calling, and spitting. For some reason my kid likes to spit when she is mad. She will spit at me if she is close enough or just spit on the floor. This time, I grabbed her and sat her in it. She wasn't too happy about it but it's gross! There have been a few aggrivations for her, typical kid stuff but she doesn't quite know how to handle it typically so it becomes a bigger deal in our house. But over all, things are pretty good.

I officially ended the temporary basal rate thing and just increased her basals by 100% which finally brought her bg levels into the 100s a few times. She is hungry all of the time (another side effect of the Abilify) so she is constantly eating so much of her numbers come soon after some sort of food. She has gained 4 pounds in two weeks but she is still average size so I am not concerned about it.

And let me just this whole battery cap mess out there for anyone who I am not friends with on Facebook. Animas recomends that you change the battery cap on the pump every six months. I don't know when this was covered but I missed that fact somehow. Jada's cap had become stripped so it wasn't making a good connection with the battery causing her pump to shut off. After we finally had a bg in the 100s, next check she was in the 300s...WTH? So I tried to bolus from her meter and it kept telling me that it couldn't communicate with the pump but she was only five feet away from me so I knew something wasn't right. I called Animas and ordered another one. Then, the pump proceeded to turn itself off again at school several times yesterday. I called the only person I know here with an Animas pump and she had an extra one that she gave to us which I will replace when the one I ordered comes in. I love D-Moms! I was constantly worried about her pump shutting off and the highs that would come along with it but problem solved way quicker than I thought it would be.

I am not usually that person that counts down until the end of school but I am now. School is free and summer care isn't. But at the summer care program, they will follow any directions they are given to care for Jada and administer her insulin with out any problems. If only the nurse would do the same thing.

Jada has had trouble falling asleep the last few nights. She gets really wound up in the afternoon/evenings. I can't tell if it is hyperactivity or mania. The trend with kids with bipolar is to be more active and all over the place during that time of the day so I am not sure how to tell the difference. I will be talking to her doctor about that tomorrow.

I guess that is it for now.

Isolated

2010-04-23T10:50:00.002-05:00

Disclosure:

I have one in-person, real-life friend who I rely on heavily to stay as sane as possible. I have been blessed with many in-my-computer, real-but-far-away, they-get-it D-Mom friends. And I have started to reach out and "meet" several in-my-computer, real-but-far-away, they-get-it B(Bipolar)-Moms.

I have a few (as in can count them on one hand) other people that I talk to on occasion but really have no clue about the difficulties involved in raising a a child with invisible disorders/diseases.

Then I have my family: My mom, who we live with so sees every meltdown, rage, high and low bg, mania and the good times; My two brothers, their wives, and kids.

On with my post!

I am very heartbroken.

If you have been reading my blog, you will have read about Jada's latest breakdowns which include her saying that no one likes her and she feels alone. I have also written about how as an adult and her mom who knows that her out of control at times actions and hateful words are a result (symptom) of her disorder and how hard it is to get over, move on, forget, the "I hate you" that she was yelling five minutes ago and is now replacing with "I love you." So I can see how another child would have difficulty going with the flow that is Jada's mood swings.

I don't know if no one wants to play with her at school, I am not there. I don't know if it is just certain kids that have seen her at her worst. The other morning, when I was dropping her off at school, a kid that was in her class got out two cars in front of us so Jada hurried to get out and called out that friend's name. The girl turned around, saw it was Jada and kept walking. Was she doing this because she doesn't like Jada? Was she doing this because she was just walking to class? Who knows??? But it saddened me.

Next weekend, my mom is supposed to watching my brother's kids while he and his wife go on (another) trip with her parents. The girls were supposed to come to our house. That was the plan. Now, as of this week, plans have changed. After many phone calls to my mom, my brother expressed that he would feel more comfortable with her going there to watch his kids instead of them coming to our house. The reason...Jada. I get this from my own brother. I feel like I have been punched right in the stomach.

How is the outside world supposed to accept her when she gets rejected by family?

I can do everything in my power to help her. I can get the right combination of medicines to stabilize her mood as much as they can. I can take her to therapy every two weeks. I can teach her coping skills to deal with difficult situations. But none of that changes how she is perceived by others. She is simply an unstable child with a mental illness.

And that is heartbreaking.

My Artist!

2010-04-23T10:33:00.002-05:00

One of Jada's art projects from art class was selected to be displayed at the Art Gallery in the Student Exhibit.

She was beaming with accomplishment while waiting for me to read her letter from school. She is excited and proud. As am I.
I couldn't wait to get a look at it so I headed there just a bit ago (its on the same block as my work). There were nine pieces selected from her school.

I have never been to an art gallery so I didn't quite know what to expect. I was walking down the long hallway to get to the lobby area to be directed to the exhibit. I couldn't help but feel so proud of her. In that moment, I was able to let go of all of the sadness and other emotions that have a hold on me as of lately and just be proud and in the moment.

So there were nine from her school. As I am looking at them, I am wondering which is hers because none of them had names on it. So I start looking at the back of each one which was difficult because they were all taped on from the back in four spots. I was waiting for security. Then, I looked at the one at the top, and there it was. She put her name inside of one of her circles. So smart my girl is! I then had to stand on a chair to get this picture and again I was waiting for security but a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do!

Hopeless

2010-04-20T21:19:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here, alone and in the dark, in a very quiet house. But only an hour ago, I couldn't even imagine that the house would be so quiet tonight.

I wanted to post about what a wonderful afternoon and evening we had yesterday and even this afternoon. Jada hadn't been aggressive or angry. She had actually been quite playful and loving. She gave me lots of hugs and lots of kisses. There was even lots of smiles and laughter. It was wonderful.

I wasn't stressing that her bg had only been in the 100s once since Saturday and had been hovering in the 300s. I wasn't getting frustrated at the hyperactivity or the bouncing off the walls. I was just enjoying the good moments.

I wanted to write about that. But there is always a slap in the face.

Yesterday was a fantastic afternoon. Bed time came and a whole lot of fussing came too, which isn't unusual for bedtime. Then after most of it had passed, Jada is laying in her bed crying about how she doesn't like herself because she is mean. Wham! Slap in the face. I can express how wonderful I think she is until I am blue in the face but all that matters is what she thinks about herself and it isn't good.

This evening was going well. Bath time came and went. Then it was site change. Out of nowhere, Jada was having a whole lot of anxiety about changing her site. She wouldn't even come meet me at the table. After about 10 minutes of her fighting me, crying about how scared she was, I made the decision to hold her arms down and get it in. Then the anger came. The spit came. The threats of beating me up came. The name calling came. You name it, it came. I sent her to her room to calm down and as usual, she didn't stay there. Ten minutes of walking her back to her room over and over again and finally the anger had left but the sadness came. I heard her crying saying that no one loves her and that she should run away. I keep thinking, she is only six years old. As I usually do after these episodes, I went to meet her after she stayed in her room and calmed down. We layed in her bed and she was just crying letting it all out. She thinks she is mean and that no one likes her. She doesn't like herself. She fails at PE. She couldn't get a book from library today. Everything. My heart breaks for her.

She is only six and has so much to deal with. Why can't she just be a kid? How can she already have such low self esteem? Why must she have so much???? Why her? Why any child?

So I am sitting here in the quiet. During these episodes I never think I will make it through. I can never imagine an end. Two life-long disorders, one physical and one mental. It will never end. Some days (or moments in a day) will be better than others and some will just suck. Jada actually said that she felt hopeless. How can I make her feel better when I feel the exact same way????

This happened yesterday.

2010-04-16T08:39:00.005-05:00

This happened yesterday. I was in a hurry when I wrote this so it may not all be in complete sentences and I really don't want to edit it. Makes me sick!

Jada recently got an increase dose of one of her medications. Side effect of that is increased appetite. I have seen it at home and even the school nurse noticed yesterday how much she had eaten.

Doctor appointment this morning and Jada was starving by 10 am. I fed her before bring her to school since she still had at least an hour until lunch. Or so I thought. They are eating lunch 30 minutes early because of school testing. I was never made aware of that.

I left a message for school nurse to call me because she would notice insulin on board and wanted to ask her about Jada possibly needing a morning snack and if she could be there to bolus her. This is how I found out about the change in schedule. Which I have asked to be notified about but they won't put anything in writing. Nurse was like, it is only thirty minutes.

She was like everyday?
She states that her orders from Dr. F state that Jada does not need a bolus for anything under 15 grams.
Okay. What if she eats more than 15 grams?
Are you going to have a letter from a doctor saying that Jada has to eat a snack over 15 grams everyday at 10 am?
I said if Jada needed that snack, yes I would have that.
Nurse says that she would have to call the doctor to question that. She has an obligation to question any orders that she doesn't understand.
I asked if Jada eats a snack of over 15 grams, what are the accommodations for that?
This is not a problem so why are we discussing this? You will have to talk to Ms. Betty.
She then wanted to use hypotheticals...what if she was at a meeting at another school or had a child with an allergic reaction.
I say, (Dir of Schools)says those are hypotheticals.
Again she says this is not an issue right now so we need to wait.
I explain to her that I am trying to plan for what I can see is a highly likely possibility. I just wanted to know how they could work with Jada.
She just kept saying snack under 15 grams needs no insulin. And that this isn't a problem.

Ugh.

I was trying to figure out how they accommodate Jada in this instance. I see that it is going to happen. How can they say in a meeting that they will be there if it is scheduled and then say nope can't? How can you question her doctor? I don't give you permission for that. How can say that she can only eat less than 15 carbs (which won't fill up Jada's big toe) and that is all because you are choosing not to accommodate her?

Dir of Schools and all her hypotheticals. Well here you go woman. She needs insulin and they will not answer a question.

Should it be this freaking hard to get Jada the accommodations that she needs? NO!

Adding here that as you have read, Jada's mood has been quite a handful (putting in lightly) after school this week. Maybe that was because she was starving. Eating thirty minutes earlier is a big deal for a kid who is already hungry all the time much less when her medication makes her ravenous!

Meeting update and Jada's afternoon!

2010-04-14T20:29:00.003-05:00

I don't have much to say about this meeting. Nothing was accomplished. There is still nothing in writing about bathroom breaks and water or field trips. Basically, they claim that it is up to the school nurse to decide whether she feels comfortable delagating someone to supervise Jada using her pump. And she is not. Jada is too young. She isn't capable. WHATEVER! Have you given her a chance to to do it? No. Have you given anyone the opportunity to be trained and see then whether or not you feel comfortable? No. What crap is it that it is up to you? Who are you to decide this? I am her parent. Her doctor has written orders stating that Jada was to be allowed to do it. But it all up to the nurse. In her mind, the child has to be able to fully operate the pump and enter the numbers without making a mistake for her to be comfortable. HELLO! That is why you have an adult supervising her! She said that yesterday Jada was was dailing up her pump and went to far and she had to correct her. I asked her if she had given Jada a chance to notice that she was going to high? No. She didn't. She jumped in and corrected her. Bottom line is that it shouldn't be up to her. She is not Jada's mom nor her doctor. And how can you not feel comfortable with a teacher who has a diabetic child or a teacher who has diabetes doing so? Another problem is is that she talked about diabetes and insulin as if she is scared of it. Sure it is serious and yes too much insulin is dangerous. But who would want to step in and help if the person asking and explaining is scared and makes it seem like dooms day?

My next step was going to be to file a complaint with the OCR (Office of Civil Rights). Before the meeting today, Susan (ADA Advocate), spoke the 504 person for the state who just couldn't believe all this mess. She also spoke to someone else on the state level. She is very hopeful that they can get things moving with the higher ups in the state and have it trickle down to these MISINFORMED (that's for you Penny, lol) people. Since we only have a few weeks of school left, I will wait. I will just see how things turn out for next year and begin all over again. Hopefully, Betty will be retiring.

The 504 Coordinator for the parish was there also. She is just recently diagnosed as Type 2 so she happily chimed in stating that she was diabetic. She had to give herself her first insulin shot because of an antibiotic she was taking and she was SCARED to give it to herself...so imagine a six year old. Sure woman, your life is not dependent on insulin. You don't take six shots a day like these kids do. You don't poke your finger ten times a day. SURE! And to clarify, I am not meaning to lesson the Type 2 status of anyone. It was just her and the way she said it as if she was trying to make some point.

Enough about those people.

I decided to bring Jada home from school this afternoon instead of heading back to work to see if being in the afterschool program was aggrivating her mood instabilities. You see, she started Strattera at the same time she started at YMCA after school so I wasn't sure if the longer day of holding in her emotions or the medication was adding to her recent aggressive meltdowns. She was happy when I picked her up. We came home, she was starving, she ate a snack and was happy to ride with me to pick up Erin and Gus(our poodle).

Tonight was much better. No HUGE meltdowns. No agression. She was, however, on the manic side. I don't know which one I prefer. With the agressive meltdowns, she has them and they are done (sometimes they come back) but with the mania, it is just there. She is nonstop. She wants to go shopping. She is loud and ALL OVER THE PLACE. Ugh. They both suck. I wish I could just take the bipolar out of her but I can't. She did have a few aggrivations but nothing HUGE. She recovered a little quicker and overall it was much better.

So this puts a damper on things. I have hopes for getting a permanant, part-time offer at the pysch hospital I recently started at. In order to do so, I need to show that I can be there. I have other tasks that are assigned to me that I must do as well but most importantly, I have to be reliable. Being reliable is really tough these days. It seems there is always something to take care of or I just don't want to get out of bed. I feel it would be best for Jada to come home after school instead of the after school program. I feel like that would help her have a better afternoon transition especially with her mood being so unstable right now. I just don't know how to work this out since I have to continue working at my "real" job so that I can keep it if the psych hospital doesn't come through. The position at the psych hospital is where I want to be but to get there, I have to be reliable. How do I fit two jobs into an 8:30 - 2:30 work day?? Something I need to figure out.

Worse!

2010-04-13T23:36:00.003-05:00

This afternoon was way worse than yesterday. She raged herself right to sleep again. I cried my eyes out! But I don't want to talk about that now.

I am exhausted. We have a house showing tomorrow morning and we had to clean the house.

And the incredibly misguided school board people scheduled our meeting with about 24 hour notice. So I had to prepare my documents for that. I am stressing over it but it is what it is. Either they will agree or they won't. Either their lawyer will be there or not. An advocate with the ADA will be there with me which is great. On the flip side, that Betty Alfred will be there too. I am ready though. I am prepared for the next step if they do not meet Jada's needs.

More tomorrow.

What a Ride!

2010-04-12T23:17:00.002-05:00

My oldest brother often camps out in his back yard with my niece and a few friends from their neighborhood. Jada and Erin had been asking to join them and we were invited this past Friday night to enjoy a camp out complete with hot dogs, smores, campfire, DIABETES, and MOOD INSTABILITY!

So after Jada's school day was over on Friday, we headed over (they live a little over an hour away) for the fun. Jada and Erin were both excited, as was I. I had big plans for getting to sleep in a bed by myself for an entire night. I was even hoping to watch a movie with my sis-in-law if the kids went to bed early enough. Everything was all set for a fun evening.

Except, bipolar was there too. I didn't invite bipolar(and I am sure no one else did either). With bipolar, normal kid things, like she has my toy, can drastically change a happy, sweet kid into a full blown rage complete with name calling and/or physical acts such as hitting or biting. Yep. Bipolar was there. Jada had several mini-rages that never reached a physical level but name calling is harsh for kids, well for anyone. At least an adult (an empathic adult) can have some sort of understanding of the situation but another child...I don't see how that is possible. Jada is happily playing and getting along great with the kids and in an instant she can be calling another child stupid or worse. I then deescalate her aggression and she goes back to play with the kids (after an apology from her of course). What makes another child want to play with a child like that? It is very hard to understand. I am an adult and I know that Jada has these issues and it is very hard sometimes to go along with her moods from the I love you one minute to the I hate you the next, from the best mom to the worst mom. It is very hard to be on this see-saw and I know what is causing it. We had about five episodes that night.

Diabetes was there too. There was food...hot dogs and smores. At the finish of the smores, I checked her bg and she was only in the 200s which anyone would be happy with but not with a little over 3 units of insulin on board (for my non-D moms, insulin on board means the active insulin in her system not yet used) which at that time of the evening/night, could cause her to drop too low very quickly. I silently start freaking out but came up with a game plan. I fed her fruit snacks which we never keep at home so that was a treat for her. She didn't like those too much so she didn't eat as much as I would have liked so I fed her a hand full of Ritz peanut butter crackers and sent her on her way. At midnight, I headed on out to the tent to check her bg only to find that she wasn't where she was when I tucked her in. It was a sight, me in the dark, middle of the night, trying to find my D kid in a dark tent filled with girls. That was the most challenging bg check ever for me. Once I found her, I couldn't help but chuckled to myself at what a sight this would be and the thought of checking the wrong kid! I had this very tiny space to fit my queen sized self, all while trying to keep my balance and not fall on all the girls! Then trying to see the blood for the bg check! Man it was tough! But I made it. And for the first time ever, I was scared to be twenty-five feet away from her. I went to bed with a heavy heart worried about one of my (and all of ours) worst fear. Of course, my fear went unfounded.

Saturday went great. No major incidences unless I am blocking them out! We headed home that afternoon and had a good evening together.

We all slept until about 10:30 Sunday morning. We were all exhausted. It was really good to catch up on lost sleep. After we rolled out of bed, we had our first incident of the day. It wasn't a good one. I don't remember what set Jada off but something did. Lots of verbal aggression. Thirty minutes later, she was calm again and headed off to the toy room to play. Something happened in there about iCarly, Teen Titans, Erin and deleting something and Jada started off again. This time, like so many times before, all of Jada's verbal aggression was directed straight at Erin. Twenty minutes later, Jada had settled down again and wanted to head to my room to play. She and I did and her first concern was wondering where Erin was. She was now ready to play and be silly with the same kid who ten minutes ago was "stupid and ruining her life." We all had a tickle fight and the rest of the day is a blur.

Today I called Dr. O. Something in Jada's medicine cocktail isn't working. My gut was telling me the Strattera which is being used for ADHD but can have the same affects as an anti-depressant which works against mood stabilizers. I left a lenghthy voicemail about my concerns for Jada's behavior and how it seems we are once again traveling down this road that will lead to Jada hurting herself or someone else. I voiced my opinion about the Strattera and how I thought we needed to stop it. I received a call back from the office later this afternoon. Dr. O wanted to change the Abilify dose to 2 mg in the am and 2 in the pm. Nothing was said about the Strattera. But my gut was very uneasy. I have no problem increasing a medicine if I thought it would help but I felt like the Strattera was the culprit. Jada's aggressive behavior began to creep up after we began this medicine and continues to get worse.

This afternoon when I picked Jada up from school, I knew what kind of night we were in for. Bipolar kids can often keep their composure in front of others. They can often make it through an entire school day without any signs of struggle. They hold all of their anger and frustration in and unleash it when they feel safe. Safe at home. Safe with a parent. Jada immediately began yelling. Yelling stuff that I couldn't quite understand but can't ask for a repeat cause that just makes it worse. All I got was some kid (a boy, an older boy who seems tall enough to be playing high school basketball) was teasing her. She says that the adult in charge (after school program, usual guy wasn't there) didn't fuss at him and only fussed at her for yelling at the boy. She got into the car and began to punch her car seat. We made it home, thankfully we only live five blocks away. She and I headed to my room where she just melted into the bed. She began hitting the bed and pillow. She was saying things like no one likes her, she doesn't have any friends, her life is ruined, and we never do anything fun among other things. Twenty minutes later, she had raged herself to sleep. She slept for an hour. When she woke up she was in a much better mood. She ate dinner which during her rage, she claimed was nasty and she didn't like. She had a bath, watched a movie, and then headed to bed.

While she was sleeping, I called Dr. O. I explained Jada's behavior that afternoon and my concern that we were headed for Jada hurting herself or someone else. I told her that my issue wasn't with increasing the Abilify but I felt that the culprit adding to her aggressive behavior was the Strattera. She agreed with my wish of stopping the Strattera and said we should see results in four to five days.

If you have read this far, THANK YOU so much. Your support is tremendously helpful! Sorry for another post as long as a novel!

On another note...no word from school yet about my letters!

Sleep Dilemma: Brain vs. Body

2010-04-12T01:03:00.003-05:00

My body is starting to tell me things. Well, maybe it is past telling and is more like yelling. I am not sure if this new thing is caused by the one hundred pounds I have gained or if it is an age thing, the way my body is going about this is all wrong!

Last night, I had this monstrous headache and felt nauseous. I certainly don't want to get sick. It was late and I already didn't have that much sleep from the night before. Tonight, I was starting to get a headache and again becoming nauseous. So I again headed to bed.

Then, like most nights, I climb into bed completely exhausted and my brain just won't quit. My brain is having this party of thoughts going on in there. It is telling me of the things that didn't get done tonight like preparing Jada's medicine for the week (because we are cool enough to need a pill container for am and pm meds) and that I forgot to write her teacher a note about her daily charts. And my brain is replaying the day over for me to relive the choices I made, some good and some not so good. I think about all the struggles that Jada will face tomorrow and how easy Erin is. I think about the battles that went on today and how both girls have so much to deal with at a young age. I think about the week ahead and worry about being a failure at two jobs.

And all the while my body is melting into the bed trying to tell my brain to give it a rest already. Some nights my body wins and is able to shut off my brain more easily than other nights.

But not tonight. Tonight, I got up. I prepared medicine. I wrote the teacher a letter. And now I am writing this blog. Maybe, just maybe when I attempt the whole bed thing again in a few minutes, there just might be a little less going on in that party my brain likes to have when my body is shutting down.

i LOVE diabetes!

2010-04-09T22:52:00.002-05:00

Okay so maybe LOVE is a strong word. Maybe HATE would be more accurate. BUT at least you can PROVE that D is there. You can check blood glucose and see that the pancreas is faulty. You can use insulin to treat a high bg and know within a short amount of time whether it was the right amount or not. You will know two hours after a meal whether the you had enough insulin to "cover" your carbs. Pretty simple right. There are medical tests and it can be proven.

When you are dealing with a mental illness, it is a whole other story. There is no definative answer to what is going on. There is not any test with numbers to point you in the right direction. It is all based on behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

If you have a bg of 457, no one will tell you that you don't have D. If you have a malignant tumor, no one will tell you that you don't have cancer. But saying you have a mental illness, people sure have their opinions.

Here are examples.

People who suffer from bipolar, tend to have trouble waking up in the morning, its called sleep intertia. Even once they are awake, it may take hours for their brain to begin to function as it should. Outsiders say: Go to bed earlier.

Try to explain to a PE teacher why your kid can actively participate in a relay race one day without having a breakdown but can't the next day. Try to explain that a part of bipolar is sometimes feeling like you have to be perfect, like you have to win. And if you don't win, you don't know how to handle that. Your brain betrays you and stops all forms of rational thinking. Not to mention, add in ADHD, and a relay containing multiple steps, you find yourself being confused but needing to win all at the same time. Outsiders say: You did this other game fine yesterday, it is just an excuse. Some people feel like they have to win, that is just how some people are.

So I thought I had more examples of this but right now it all escapes me. Diabetes is a medical condition. Yes it sucks. Yes I wish I didn't have to poke Jada's little fingers ten times a day. I wish her pancreas worked. I wish I didn't have to worry about low blood sugar or high blood sugar and the fact that either one of those can take my precious child away from me. Diabetes is horrible. But it can be proven without a doubt. It isn't subjective.

On the other hand, mental illness is. Even though I know that Jada suffers from bipolar disorder and I can shout it from the roof top all I want and explain (well attempt to) what is going on in her mind, people will believe what they want. Their comments will still be made. They will say whatever it is that they think to be true. And there is not a single test I can use to throw in their face and say SEE HERE IT IS! SHE DOES HAVE THIS! KEEP YOUR COMMENTS AND REMARKS TO YOURSELF AND DEAL WITH HER ACCORDINGLY!

Obviosuly this post is coming from somewhere. Jada has trouble in PE. Although she always has, it was better. But lately, not so much. And although it has been said that she is not to be forced in partipating in anything involving competition, she still is. So yes, one day she can do a relay race holding a spoon with a ball on it and the next day she can't do a relay involving stepping in a hoola-hoop, moving the next hoola-hoop, stepping into that one, the moving the other one in front and so on. She suffers from MOOD INSTABILITIES. Sometimes she can be a happy loser and sometimes she can't. Sometimes she has to be perfect. Then there were multiple steps involved in that relay. She is confused with multiple steps and was overwhelmed. She melts down when she is overwhelmed. And then yes, everyone starts looking at her which sets off her anxiety. No I am not trying to make excuses for what you see as a tantrum. She suffers from a mental illness. And just as a fever is a symptom of an infection, a meltdown is a symptom of her illness. The PE teacher has her opinions. Great. Who cares? But when I am telling you that my child has this disorder and that the perfection thing and the meltdown thing is a part of it, don't tell me that some kids just feel like they have to win and try to downplay what is going on with my child. Sure it may not be a big deal in your day, but it is in hers. These meltdowns, frustrations, and anxiety events are each a part of her bigger picture.

So I am sensing a meeting coming about this. I need more communication as to what is going on during her day. I need to know if she had a meltdown and what sparked it. Am I asking too much? I don't think so.

The Next Battle in this Accomodation War

2010-04-08T09:05:00.004-05:00

My formal letters to the Superintendent, Principal, 504 Coordinator, and Director of Schools were delivered today. We have not had any new issues at school (that I am aware of) but I am again asking that someone be trained to supervise Jada administering her insulin through her pump and that staff be trained on Glucagon injection should the need arise. I set up a Scribe account and uploaded the letter and its attachments there if any of you are interested in reading it. It was drafted mostly by the ADA Rep who has been very helpful through this entire mess. When I posted the letter online, I replaced Jada's name with Student and also removed my email and phone number since this is now a public document.

Of course I will post any updates!

Good Friday that Was't So Good!

2010-04-06T23:04:00.003-05:00

My brothers (I have two), my sister-in-laws (two of them also), my nieces (two of them) and my nephew (only one of them but one on the way) all came over on Friday. It was beautiful outside so we planned on having lunch and the kids would get to play and have an egg hunt. The morning was great. We slept in, woke up and didn't have to rush to be anywhere...awesome!

Then Jada's anxiety kicked it. She pulled a chair to the front door and opened the blinds and sat their waiting for her cousins. Most parents would think that was cute but not me....not when I know that she can't help it. Lunch was ready but she refused to eat until they got here. She was worried. So worried in fact that she asked me if I thought they forgot how to get here. Nothing I tried could get her away from that door. Thirty minutes later, they got here and she finally stepped away from the door.

She then had hours of fun. Things were going so well that my sister in law and I ran out to get icing for brownies and to the book store. Traffic was rough causing us to be a little longer than expected. I got a call from my mom that things had changed. Jada was raging and I wasn't here to diffuse the situation. I don't know what set her off but I do know that the rest of the afternoon was rough.

When I got home, I could see the difference in her. I left her as a care free little girl enjoying a day outside with her cousins and come home to a child who was aggravated and aggressive. She wasn't in a rage at that moment but it didn't take long for another one to strike.

The next one lasted for about half and hour, maybe more. I don't know what set that one off either. Someone could have looked at her. She may have wanted to play a certain way but the other's didn't want to. The wind may have blown her hair. It could have been anything. All I remember is that it came. I lost the rest of the day. It was rough and I was exhausted. I did have a nice visit with the family before and between the rages.

During her rages, I tell her to go to her room until she calms down. If she isn't in full blown attack, sometimes she will go. Most of the time, though, I escort her. And she will then walk out right behind me. I say nothing to her and bring her back and we keep at this for as long as it takes for her to get that she has to stay in her room until she is calm. There are a few occasions when she is exhausted from what her body and mind just went through that she will fall asleep. And I let her rest. Other times, I leave her there until I forget that I sent her and remember again when it registers that it is too quiet around.

We have had years of this. Things were better a few months ago, but just like insulin needs change, so do medicine needs. Although I never know what is going on in her mind, I know now what we are dealing with. There is no more yelling or spanking. Just going with it and being consistent. Take the rages as they come. Protect Jada from hurting herself. Protect Erin from being hurt. Protect me as much as I can, but if someone has to have the physical pain that comes along with a rage, I prefer it to be me.

When she rages, she can hit, bite, or throw anything she can get her hands on. I try my hardest to protect anyone around during these times and usually it is just my mom, Erin, and me.

So Much

2010-04-03T22:15:00.002-05:00

I have so much I need to get out of me! So much happened yesterday. And today for that matter but I so don't have it in me tonight.

I hope you all have a good Easter!

Well I am not a neurologist!

2010-04-02T11:17:00.002-05:00

EEG result came back NORMAL!

I am excited about that! Though a part of me was thinking, okay brain tumor. Surgery. We take it out. And we are done with that. (Yes I know that in reality things are not that black and white and that a brain tumor could have been destructive). I am just the type of person to see a problem and attack it and be done with it. That is just not the case with diabetes or bipolar. That takes some getting used to.

SO great news is that there is nothing abnormal about her brain waves and I am thankful for that!

On another note. The new medication has to be preauthorized because it is EXTREMELY expensive! (24.99 a pill) Which means we aren't going to get it until Monday which then means we can't start it until next weekend!

I don't want to think about it!

2010-04-01T11:53:00.002-05:00

Jada had another appointment with Dr. O this morning.

Her EKG results were normal but no word yet on the EEG. I know Jada has sleep issues. I feel her twitches and movements. I saw the brain waves going all over on the graph during the EEG. I don't want to know what it means. But is it weighing heavily on my mind and heart. I can't stop thinking about the what ifs, what if there is something else wrong, what if the mood instabilities are just a symptom of some greater issue. We should know today. Depending on what the results show, an MRI might be scheduled to look for "masses" or brain structure problems. I don't want to think about it.

Dr. O was reluctant to label Jada's symptoms as anything during our last appointment because it was also our first. But today, she actually said bipolar disorder. So that is that. Three doctors. Same opinion. I wasn't surprised by this.

With that in mind and the fact that Jada's aggressiveness is slowly escalating, Dr. O wants Jada to add a new medication to her daily regime. She added Ambilify which is used to treat pediatric bipolar disorder which will be added on to her Depakote (mood stabilizer) and Strattera (ADHD). Of course all medications come with their fair share of side effects. I know this. But Ambilify's side effects aren't just the usual make you tired or nauseous kind. One of the side effects is elevating your blood glucose. Of course, the trial that was done was done on people without D so I have no idea how this will effect Jada. Dr. O is aware of Jada's D so she must feel like the benefits outweighs the risk but D will have to be monitored more closely (as if every two hours wasn't enough already). So I don't want to think about that either. She will start it tomorrow so then we have four days before she heads back to school to see how things go.

I also don't want to think about the fact that Jada wanted to throw her shoe at Dr. O for no reason. Jada is just so wound up when it comes to her. She wouldn't talk to her last visit and today she wanted to throw a shoe at her.

But I am worried.

I don't want to think about elevating blood sugar levels. I don't want to even think about having to look for a brain tumor. I don't want to think about the fact that my child can't be worry free and has so much anxiety. I don't want to think about how she can't handle her frustration without lashing out at someone or something. I don't want to think about any of it.

The Good and The Bad

2010-03-30T12:55:00.004-05:00

I wish my lack of blog posts would mean that all is quiet on the home front, but NO. So much has been going on and I just haven't had the words to express any of it. Instead of going into complete details over the last five days, I am going to make a list of the good and the bad, starting with the bad so I can end on a positive note.

THE BAD

Jada's aggressive behavior seems to be getting a bit worse. There were attempts to bite me. She did hit me. And she has started to be irritated at just the thought of being around Erin. We were here before and I don't like it.
My cell phone (yeah, as in my new iPhone) was stolen from my second job.
Jada's bg has been wacky at night. She dropped to 42, treat recheck 40, treat recheck 60, treat recheck 115. All during the four am hour.
Jada had her lowest bg yet...29, while at school. She didn't even feel it until then.

WORRIES

Jada had an EEG done and those brain waves were going all over so I am worried about that.
Dead Bed Syndrome
Jada's aggressive behavior once started on this road and led to her being hospitalized. I don't want that to happen again.
Moving forward with request to have people trained to supervise Jada while operating her pump at school.
Our house is still not sold, no prospects and the well is running dry.

THE GOOD

After a very emotional 24 hours, I retrieved my cell phone.
Jada cooperated for the EEG....that girl can sleep anywhere.
We are all alive and breathing.
My emotional state has been pretty calm.
My car has been inspected (was due since June 09)
My drivers license renewed (expired in Feb)
My registration renewed (expired in Feb)

Roller Coaster

2010-03-24T10:15:00.002-05:00

We have been on quite a roller coaster ride! Not only has Jada's moods been all over the place but she has low bgs coming out of nowhere.

Diabetes is easier so we'll start there. Jada is back to spiking high at night. I check and bolus her before I go to sleep. On Monday night, she got bolused at 11 pm. Then checked again at 3:15 am (282), bolused and within an hour, she was 67. Juice, recheck 55! WTH? More juice, then she was hungry so she had some goldfish, after she came up. By now, her sleep is disturbed and she is ready to get up but luckily she did fall back asleep for a while.

Yesterday afternoon, she was playing and said she felt low. She was 55. I gave her juice and had her sit, well tried to. She was so hyper and wanted to go back outside. There was nothing in her actions to suggest that she was low. Rechecked in 15 minutes (which was bath time), she was 85. No way was she going into the tub coming up from a low with her bg only being 85 with insulin still on board! Gave her another juice then sent her off. I told them not to play long and do what they have to do and get out. She wasn't in there long, may 10 minutes. She dressed and I rechecked her, 75 with .85 IOB. I gave her enough goldfish to make up for the .85. And that was that. Of course, D being what it is (a pain in the rear) by bedtime, she was 225!

Her mood has been all over as well. For the past two school weeks, she has put up a fight for me to pick her up from school. She always wants to stay but it is time to go home! She reverted back to her old self. She was able to keep her composure during the school day but fell completely apart when she got home. We were through with this but it was back. I didn't miss it! Instead of talking to communicate, she would yell out her words one. at. a. time. She would easily become frustrated and started her screaming in Erin's ear thing again. Luckily, she wasn't getting physical. I laugh that I can throw the word "luckily" in here when talking about all of this nonsense (which really it isn't nonsense, these are real issues, but it is nicer than other words I could use).

Saturday was Erin's dance pictures. Jada decided she wanted to come so I explained to her before we left that there would be lots of people and it would loud and hectic and if she had a meltdown, I wouldn't be able to deal with it because I needed to have Erin ready for her pictures. She said she understood but I was still reluctant. We were there for an hour longer than we should have been but things went very smoothly. She got along very well with kids she doesn't know and did her own thing. I was at my wits end from all the goings on so I am very proud of her for keeping her composure. Later that afternoon, we planted some seeds in pots and they played for a while. She had a hyper and impulsive afternoon but nothing we're not used to.

Sunday morning was a whole other story. We all slept until 10:30 am except Erin played on my phone while I slept. Jada came roaming into my bed at 10:40 and was in a silly mood. It was great. Thirty minutes later, she was completely flipping out, again with her yelling, not talking, one. word. at. a. time. thing. She was trying to express that she wanted to do something that day. So I was trying to get ideas on what she wanted to do. I guess she was frustrated because she didn't really know but just knew that she wanted to do something. Who knows what goes on in her head? I sure wish I could go inside and figure it out. Then twenty minutes later, she was fine and happy again. The rest of the day went smoothly.

The past two days have been better. She hasn't fought me when I pick her up which has been fantastic. Today will be a different story since she has a doctor's appointment. She has not been yelling as much but she still get frustrated and screams at Erin. Still no physical aggression, so I am happy we haven't truly turned back all the progress.

Jada was taken off of one of her medications by Dr. O. Her last dose of it was on Friday and it can take up to nine days to fully leave her system. Dr. O thinks that this will get rid of the aggressive behavior and irritability that has returned. However, I am finding that she is a bit more hyper in the evenings now.

And on top of all of that, I feel a bit like a failure. Having to fight with the teacher and the Principal just to get Jada to be acknowledged when she raised her hand in class has taken a lot out of me. I am scared for the next battle which will be much bigger but still must be fought. I am just so tired of there always being something that I have to fight for for Jada to be safe and okay.

That is the goings on at my house.

I didn't cause it!

2010-03-19T13:00:00.002-05:00

The results are in! Jada's valproic acid level (some level in her blood that determines whether her mood stabilization medication is therapeutic or not) is where it should be so it is not the culprit behind her irritability and aggression.

So it's not my fault. Sure missing her meds was not good but she isn't suffering right now because of me!

So the course of action right now is to take her off the the medicine for her anxiety which is an antidepressant and leave her on her ADHD med which is also an antidepressant. And see if that helps. After that....not sure!

It's Ruined!

2010-03-19T09:42:00.003-05:00

Erin's smile that is! A bit dramatic? Yes, definitely.

This morning I noticed one of Erin's front teeth is discolored. And I am heartbroken. Sure it is a baby tooth so her permanent tooth should be fine but nevertheless, I scheduled her a dentist appointment for Monday morning. It just breaks me up to think of Erin running around with a brown tooth until it falls out or will they remove it??? I have no idea of these things. About a month ago, Erin fell while getting off of the cabinet in the bathroom and hit her mouth on the bathtub. I checked her out and didn't see any problems, well I guess there was. I am guessing that is what caused this. So I will not stress over her beautiful little smile being different (ruined) for the moment and will wait to see what the dentist says.

Yes, I realize that in the grand scheme of everything else this isn't that big of an ordeal. And that Erin will survive this and still be just a beautiful as always.

Curvy Road

2010-03-18T22:46:00.005-05:00

For a while, we were driving on a really, nicely paved, straight highway. Then out of nowhere, we hit a red light. The light turned green but the road wasn't as straight anymore. There are curves right and left but still at a good distance away from each other so we still have some straight road as well. Those curves are now one right after the other, forcing me to make right and left turns constantly. I am tired of the turning. I want to go straight!

Jada's mood was pretty stable. She wasn't showing much aggression or raging at all. She was a typical kid. But she still had the hyperactivity and impulse control issues. In an effort to fix that, Jada's ADHD medication was switched which caused her to become manic and not sleep for forty-eight hours (which you can read about here). It took a week for her sleep patterns to get back to normal and as a result she missed school for the entire week. So we were off schedule and throw in a slacker mom and what you get is a child that then misses her nightly dose of her mood stabilization medicine for two weeks. Yes, I know...I am horrible. Okay not horrible but I had made a pretty BIG mistake.

After the whole manic thing, Jada was then started on another medicine for her ADHD which is a non-stimulant. Great. She has been on a therapeutic level of that for about three weeks and it seems to be really working great for her hyperactivity and impulse control.

I have also began to notice more aggressive and irritable behavior from her during these two weeks. She hasn't been happy when I pick her up from school not because of school but because she doesn't want to leave. She has been more to herself and not playing as much as she had been. She doesn't want to be talked to or bothered. It has been really difficult. She is starting to become defiant again. She also seems to be angry at Erin all of the time again. I say again because this is where we were. We were on this part of the road before her behavior started escalating into anger outbursts and rages. I don't want to travel that road again. I don't want to walk on egg shells with my six year old. I don't want to not want to pick her up in the afternoons or fight about every single thing. I don't want to not be able to have her and Erin in the same room alone out of fear that Erin will be hurt.

It hit me that she had missed so much of her mood medication that it may have caused her level to get too low to be of any use. So I blamed me for that. I know you all will say that I have so much on my plate and mistakes and I get that but this is almost as important as her insulin. Sure, insulin is her lifeline. Without that for a day, she wouldn't make it to the next. Without her mood medication, she will make it to the next day but she won't want to. It is necessary for her to be able to function.

You may have read that we had been seeing Dr. G, a psychiatrist, who is an hour away from us. I haven't had too much to complain about with him except the distance. We would not be as far along as we are/were without his help and guidance. HOWEVER, I am so happy to announce that we got in the psychiatrist here in our town who everyone says is the best, Dr. O.

When I came to terms with the fact that Jada would need this type of help, which was August 09, I tried to get her in with Dr. O but her wait list was booked until March 2010. She must be good right! So I found Dr. G was great. So why switch? My psychiatrist said that if his daughter needed psychiatric help, he would bring her there. So that is saying a lot. I also have a friend who sees Dr. O and raves about how wonderful she is. Plus, the location. If I have to pick up a prescription, I just have to drive across town, not an hour away. The cost (I pay completely out of pocket) is about same as Dr. G but without the drive. So was is the right choice? Only time will tell.

Now, her office was so busy that the only way to get in was through doctor referral. Luckily, Jada sees Dr. S (psychologist) who is in the same building with Dr. O so Jada was able to get referred through her. I started this process a few weeks ago, knowing full well that a wait list would be involved and I was okay with that because there was no emergency. So I got the paperwork and got on the wait list. THEN, yesterday afternoon (while I am sleeping my sickness away) I got the call. There was a new patient cancellation for this morning at 8 am! I was excited and of course I will role out of bed when I am sick and not thinking clearly and take this appointment.

So that was this morning. Dr. O wasn't quite what I was expecting but not in a bad way. She made no official determinations today. She wanted to get Jada's chart from Dr. G and the hospital Jada was in last October for her aggressive behavior. We see her again in two weeks. But what I did learn is this. Jada's current non-stimulant ADHD medicine is FDA approved here in the US for use of treating ADHD but is used in Europe to treat depression. What does that mean exactly? For a person who suffers from mood instabilities, it means a lot. It can cause her mood to become unstable just as the stimulant ADHD meds did, which could be the culprit of the aggressive behavior, which means that I wouldn't be to blame! I also learned that her med for anxiety is also an antidepressant so she may be getting too much with both of these combined, which again could be what is causing the aggressive, irritable behaviors lately. First thing to do was run some blood work to check her levels. If her level is where it should be, then the aggression and irritability are not being caused from missing her medication but from the antidepressants. Either way, medication changes will be made. Dr. O also ordered an EKG and a sleep deprived EEG. We did the lab work and the EKG this evening. A picture of the EKG is below.

Mood instability is quite a curvy road.

I read a blog about a family with a six year old who also has bipolar disorder. In one of her recent posts, she said "the only thing you can count on with a bipolar child is that you can't count on anything". That sentence rings so true and is much like the one I have heard about diabetes "the only constant in diabetes is change". I never know what kind of mood she will wake up in, whether she will make it through the school day without being in trouble, what she will be like when I pick her up, how her evening will go, will she even have a conversation with me, will I have to protect Erin from her tonight, will she be able to sleep, and many, many others. And then there are the diabetes related questions too.

Enough to make a sane person (if I classify as one) crazy.

This Morning's Meeting

2010-03-17T12:16:00.004-05:00

It wasn't as bad as I had prepared myself for it to go. Which is great considering I have been feeling a sickness coming on and it got here in full force last night.

It is so funny how these people operate. I was there before the teacher. But even after the teacher got there, it was a few more minutes before the principal came to get me. I wondered what they were saying to each other to cover themselves or what game they were going to play.

There we sat in the principal's office. Principal looked to me to start me the meeting a voice my concerns. So I did. I again explained my concerns with the red card. I could tell the teacher wanted to say more than she did but she just explained why she had come up with the idea of the card in the first place. (which is funny since the principal claims she came up with it). The principal didn't say anything during the entire meeting and let the teacher and I go back and forth. I tried to sound like I cared about what the teacher deals with but I don't know if I sounded genuine. I made what I wanted clear. I want Jada to be acknowledged when she raises her hand, every time. I explained that she needs to be given the opportunity to express whether she is feeling okay or not. The teacher agreed to that and did not try to deny the incidences that happened before.

She did say that for a few days, Jada had asked to go to the restroom and get water a few times within reading class (which is 90 minutes long). So if Jada is asking to go that much during that short of time, then check her bg! I explained AGAIN that these are signs that her blood sugar could be high so she needed to be checked. In my mind, I was wondering how she could say that she was educated on Jada's condition when she doesn't recognize the signs of high bg. But I calmly explained that they were signs of something not right and she needed to be checked during times like that. To me, she doesn't get how serious diabetes is. But she is probably doing her best.

I am still bitter but I will not let her see that.

Bottom line....my point of Jada being acknowledged when she raises her hand got across. I can't thank you all enough for your support and words.

The Low Down on Yet Another Meeting Gone Bad!

2010-03-16T19:41:00.002-05:00

I met with the Principal this afternoon to discuss two things. One being that I think the red card idea is not going to work for Jada. Another being the fact the teacher is disregarding my concerns.

I start by expressing my concerns about teacher stating that Jada is called on every time her hand is raised. I remind principal that she herself told me that Jada was told to put her hand down in one particular instance. I tell her that teacher told me something different than what she told principal and what principal told me. Somehow that leads principal to say that I am blaming teacher for everything. I made clear at that point that I am not here to attack the teacher, her, or the school but when I have attempted to communicate with teacher, I get negative responses and get nowhere which is why I was there to meet with her.

She brought up the instance when Jada was told to put her hand down. In a lesson, Jada raised her hand to use the restroom, then again to get water, then again which is when she was told to put her hand down. Principal doesn't understand why at that point my child didn't speak out of turn to tell teacher that she wasn't feeling well. I told principal that Jada is being drilled everyday to raise her hand and wait to be called on and if she speaks out of turn, she will not get a check for that time block. I tried to explain that in Jada's mind, rules are rules, and that there are no exceptions. I explained that Jada has severe anxiety over being in trouble and that she will not break the rules out of fear being in trouble. SHE DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHY JADA WOULD JUST NOT SPEAK OUT OF TURN! How hard of a concept is this to grasp? She is being taught to follow the rule. Break the rule, no check. Trouble=Anxiety for Jada! NOT FREAKING HARD TO GET! We must have gone through this for fifteen minutes! No resolution was made.

I tried to explain why I felt that relying on a red card is not a good idea for Jada. Two reasons for this....Jada has ADHD and already has impulse control. Raising her hand consist of reminding herself to stop, raise hand, and wait to be called on. Adding in a red card puts another step to her process and another thing that she must remember to do. Therefore making it harder for her to succeed. Second reason is due to the way diabetes can affect her thinking. I explained that lows can make you feel weak, tired, disoriented, and cloudy. So her having to remember this red card in a state of confusion just wasn't good. I brought up the fact that if she was out of it and forgot to raise her card, then her teacher could take that as a sign that she didn't need medical attention and not call on her which would put her at risk for a severe low. SHE AGAIN DID NOT GET THE PROBLEM! No resolution was made.

What did become of the meeting? We are scheduled to meet again tomorrow morning with the teacher at 7:20 am. Why? Who the hell knows! So what you have is a teacher who feels attacked my a parent, a parent who feels like their child isn't safe and that they can not express concerns with the teacher, and a principal who wants to cause a confrontation of the two.

What did I want to come from the meeting? I wanted principal to say that she understands my concerns and that she will speak to teacher. She will make sure that teacher understands to call on Jada every time her hand is raised, no matter what and that no red card will be used or depended on. I wanted her to reassure me that my kid will be safe at her school. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? REALLY?

This is what I expect in the meeting. Teacher being defensive. Principal doing nothing. Parent trying to get reassurance that her kid is safe at school. Principal will have me say why I wanted to meet. I will then say that I want Jada to be called on every time she raises her hand. Teacher will say that she does that (which is questionable). Then I have two choices. One...say that I know that wasn't the case in this particular instance so that she knows that I know. Or two....say nothing.

Why must this all be such a big deal with these people? How hard is it to listen and come up with a solution? I am not asking them to split an atom, just call on my kid when her hand is raised. Why does that require another meeting?

So I have a teacher that I can't communicate with. A principal that walks the middle line of not making decisions so that her hands don't get dirty. And I have my little girl who I have to entrust her care to everyday.

I am fed up and very, very sad.

Endo Update

2010-03-16T19:33:00.002-05:00

I think I am hopping on the "I doubt the accuracy of the finger prick A1C tests" train.

Jada's A1C was 6.5! How freakin awesome is that!

However, her meter's average is 175 which should be in the 7s. So I am left asking WTH? And how accurate is that exactly? And could there have been lows that she recovered from on her own? Who knows?

Overall, her numbers have been better but besides the 3 pm lows, there were no other patterns. I tackled that (with the help of the great D-Moms out there) by changing her 2 pm basal a few weeks ago.

I am happy it was down from the 8.1 it was in December. I don't think I could have handled the judgment from myself otherwise!

Flashback

2010-03-16T10:04:00.004-05:00

I don't write much about the bipolar aspect of out lives. Quite frankly, things have been going well on that front until about a month ago. And then yesterday, when I was picking up Erin, I had major flashback moments that reminded me of the early signs that something was not right with Jada that I couldn't piece together then.

As with all kids, Jada and Erin are quite different.

Erin is so sweet and gentle. She is all kinds of silly and we laugh all of the time at her facial expressions and her comments. She is stuck to my like glue most days and I have come to terms with the fact that that is just how things are going to be so she and I just laugh about it, most of the time. Then there are other times, when I am trying to walk, and she is under my feet and after about the third time of stepping on her, I loose my temper a bit and she runs of crying. Her feelings are so hurt easily. And we joke when I am sitting on the sofa and she is sitting in another chair because she is more than two feet away from me. It's really funny. She will go anywhere with me, no matter where I am going. I can't even grab my keys without her running out of the shadows to grab her shoes and jumping in the car. The fastest she will ever move is when she thinks I am leaving without her. Otherwise, she is very slow. For that reason, I call her pokey. She has lots of nicknames.

Jada is loud and out there. She is creative and independent. She spends a lot of her time by herself and don't you try to interrupt her when she is in the middle of something. She has no filter and will say whatever comes to her mind. She often name calls and then says she is sorry. She says hateful things that she really doesn't mean. Then there are moments that she comes through all of that. There are moments of laughter and smiles. You have to stop and enjoy them when they come. You have to enjoy her beautiful laugh and wonderful smile. Because SHE is beautiful and wonderful. There are times when she is able to be the social butterfly that she desperately wants to be and there are times when she is sent into an anxiety attack because there are too many people around. There are times when she is able to relax and be a kid and other times when she is so far from that. There are moments of joy and fun. But there are just as many moments of headaches, tears, and frustration.

We were there. Her mood was stabilized (except for the hyperactivity). Then, I got off track. Those days and nights of no sleep when she went manic, messed me up and I missed a few weeks of giving her nighttime mood stabilizing medicine. We are back on track now. We are not where we should be mood wise but we are getting there. Her level is building back up. Some days are better than others.

What the heck does this have to do with flashbacks???

When Jada was four, I enrolled her in a parish Pre-K school to save on daycare costs. Since I worked full time, I also enrolled her in the aftercare program at the school and would go get her everyday. Those were some very awful afternoons. As sad as it is, I never looked forward to picking her up. She would start melting down the moment I got there. The walk to the car was filled with crying and aggravation. I know now that it was the transition that was hard for her. It still is hard for her. After about a week of this and a few other things (including the teacher calling her stupid...which may or may not have happened), I pulled her out and put her back to the daycare she had been attending. Things were better but afternoons were still a mess. She would be in a "normal" mood when I picked her up and on the ride home (all of 3 minutes) but the moment we got home, the meltdowns started. All because of transition.

Erin now attends that same Pre-K and is loving every moment. She is easy going and can handle change very well. I was very hesitant to enroll her because of the issues that Jada had. But Erin is a different child. She got a great teacher. I know I made the right decision for her.

Flashbacks Jennifer!

Now that I am working a second job after my first job, I enrolled Erin in aftercare. Last week, by the time I arrived to pick her up, they were all in the front of campus waiting but yesterday I was earlier so I actually walked to the aftercare room she is in to get her. It was in that moment, walking hand in hand with Erin, laughing at her silliness that I was brought back two, almost three years ago to when I was picking Jada up from there. I remembered the meltdowns and the crying. I remembered the very difficult things that we have had to overcome to get to where we are now. I pushed that to the back on my mind so I could enjoy the laughter with Erin and this moment with her. But there, in the back of my mind, it sits. The memories. The signs that something wasn't right with her. The foreshadowing of what was to come. If I knew then what I know now, I could have gotten her help much sooner (I don't beat myself up over this but it crosses my mind on occasion). I am not sure anyone would have taken me seriously then. I know now though and we are getting the help we need.

After dinner, Jada wanted to head outside and play cat and mouse. I had to be the cat and the girls were the mice. We played for a while, laughing and giggling. It was GREAT to have those moments with them, Jada especially. She laughs and smiles far less than I would like. But when she is in that moment of laughter and fun, she is absolutely amazing.

Overdue

2010-03-11T22:19:00.002-06:00

I want to send gigantic THANK YOU to everyone for your support and encouragement through this school mess. I am so thankful that you have chimed in and given me great words and phrases to use. It is not easy to put words together when you are so emotionally involved. Not too long ago, I would have felt like I was fighting a loosing battle. I would have felt very alone and not known what to do. That is not the case now and I consider myself very lucky to have you all. Even though there are state borders separating us, I feel like you are at my side throughout these struggles. And I can not thank you enough.

Battle Update

2010-03-11T11:18:00.002-06:00

Jada had an appointment with her psychologist yesterday afternoon but because of the rages she has been having the last few days, I felt it best for her to stay home and I headed to the appointment without her.

I discussed many thing with Dr. S, one of which being the current situation with Jada's teacher. In her opinion, Jada's safety is of the utmost importance but also feels that having to switch classes would set her back as far as the progress she has made in her behavior. I agreed but if the situation doesn't get resolved, then moving her would still be an option.

But before I told her about the situation, I asked her if she felt that Jada would come home and make up a lie about someone else. She agreed that she would not because Jada doesn't see consequences and she has no filter. Jada's brain doesn't work that way.

Specific instance here. One afternoon, Jada and Erin were playing in the back yard. It was a bit too quiet so I popped my head out to check on them only to find Erin on top of a low pole (like a telephone wire thing) in the ground, and Jada trying to get Erin over the fence. She doesn't think ahead about the consequences for climbing the fence into the neighbors yard. Or what will happen once she got Erin to the top. All that Jada sees is getting Erin over the fence so they can push it down to make a fort. Never mind the fall Erin would have or the cost to repair the fence if they actually got it down or the serious talking to that she would get. She just sees the fort. That is how her mind works. She doesn't wonder if something will get her in trouble before doing something.

Not specific instance here. She is the type of kid that will touch a fire even though you told her it was hot. Then touch the next fire that she sees because she does not associate consequence with behavior.

I am sure you get the point so I will stop explaining it.

She suggests that I should go talk to the principal and express my concerns about the letter from teacher and give the principal a chance to correct the situation before going higher up.

I agreed to do that. BUT I told her that I don't know how to feel like the teacher will do what she is supposed to do.

How can I feel like Jada is safe when I know that she wasn't safe last week? Can I really trust that teacher to do what is expected?

I am going to go meet with the principal and express my concerns but I also want a paper trail so I have put them into letter form as well so I can document everything.

Do you all want to see my letter to the principal? I feel like I am bombarding my blog with this stuff.

From Ugh (Disgust) to Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2010-03-09T19:21:00.002-06:00

The Principal called me this afternoon to let me know that she had read my letter and spoke with Jada's teacher.

She said that they came up with the idea of Jada having a red card at her desk and when Jada has a health concern, Jada will raise the red card and the teacher will address her right away. Secondly, principal said that in one of the instances last week, Jada had raised her hand to go to the bathroom, then again to get water, then again which is when teacher said to put her hand down and finish the lesson. And she let me know that teacher was sending a letter home to me.

All I could say, was okay and thanks. Until I read the letter, I really didn't have much of a reaction. I felt disgusted and feel like its crap and excuses. I am doubtful that my impulsive child, who already has to remind herself to stop and raise her hand before talking, will now say stop, grab card, raise hand. Really? Then how will that be with a low bg? I don't know what the solution is to this except for her to be called on. I hate to put down an idea if I don't have another solution.

Then the letter. I have retyped it for you all to read.

Ms. Jennifer

I thank you for informing me of your concern regarding Jada. However, I am not pleased at being falsely accused in not responding to Jada’s condition. I am quite aware Jada’s medical condition and as expected from a teacher, I have always reacted in promptly responding to her needs. I have never ignored her, or not paid attention to her hand being raised in class. It has happened before where, once the bell rings or during pack up time, Jada has asked to go to the office and have her blood sugar checked. I have given her permission to go, however, to avoid any of the other students missing the bus, Jada had to walk alone, since this can take quite a while. I feel responsible for Jada during these times, though it is out of my hands because there is no one available to walk her to the office. To make things less complicated, I have a plan for the classroom concerning when Jada begins to feel ill due to her medical condition. She will be given a red card. This card will remain on her desk at all times. When there is an emergency, Jada will raise the card.

Thanks to you, I am very well educated on Jada’s diabetic condition. I have read and understood all of the information that was given by you in regards to all her medical conditions. I do not feel she is at risk attending SJ Montgomery or being in my classroom due to the promptness of caring for her well being.

Being that Jada now goes to YMCA, I will have another student walk with her during these times. Sue to her needing her sugar checked on a regular basis, in the afternoon, I would like to know if you would like to make accommodations because I am concerned about her walking alone, and as stated before, there is no one available at these times. This is my only concern regarding Jada. As for the acquisitions states in your letter today (Monday, March 8, 2010), I have disregarded because it does not apply to me or what is going on in my classroom. If you have any more questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me. I am available Monday through Friday from 12:30 and 1:00.

Sincerely,
Teacher

I can't quite put into words how I feel about this letter.

First of all, I believe Jada when Jada tells me that she was not allowed to check her bg. Jada is not a vindictive child who just makes things up. Plus I know her face when she tried to get out of something at home. When I talked to Jada about this this evening, she was shocked when I told her that teacher said that she has never not let her check her bg. Why would the principal tell me one thing, then the letter says something different? LIAR!

Secondly, why would you need the use the red card if you claim that you always call on her? To me there would be no need for it. But just my opinion.

Third? I don't know what to do from here. How do I address this? I believe she is lying. She focuses mostly about Jada being escorted to the office with another child at the end of the day, not the rest of the day. How can you miss the point of my entire letter? What is her problem? Should I request another teacher? Will that disrupt all of the progress that Jada has made? How can I have Jada in her class if I can't trust that she is taking care of child?

I need opinions on what I should do next regarding this. I am still sending in the formal letter about the other stuff but for this issue, I need help.

ADA Update

2010-03-09T11:20:00.003-06:00

I spoke with the legal advocate with the ADA's head office in Virginia this morning.

I found out something that I am not liking too much! Apparently, my lovely state of Louisiana has this law that says that only nurses can administer insulin at school.

On the bright side, Jada is on a pump, so she can administer it herself but with supervision, which is my ultimate goal anyway.

Yesterday, the other family that is having major issues faxed in their letters to the Superintendent, 504 Coordinator, Principal, and who knows who else and had a call back in 30 minutes and a meeting scheduled today for their 504 to get started. That is GREAT!

Here is my list of reasonable demands:

At least two people trained in supervising Jada administer insulin when needed
At least two people trained in administering Glucagon
A meter and source of glucose to be kept in her classroom in case of lock down
Basic training on the seriousness of diabetes for her teachers

At this time, I am not requesting that Jada be allowed to test in the classroom simply because she doesn't know what she will need based on her bg. And I don't trust her teacher to be compassionate, understanding and patient with her.

For those of you that have asked, Jada does have a 504 plan. The plan that is used here is a basic checklist of things for behavioral and learning issues. For medical issues, it says attach health plan. What they call a health plan is the forms filled out by the doctor stating insulin doses and pump settings, and how to treat lows and highs. It isn't a worded document that lists things like bathroom and water access and stuff like that. I attempted to get that added last meeting when that horrible woman made me cry. I am over that part now and will get my worded document with what is expected of everyone signed and attached.

I have not had any reponse from the letter that was handed in yesterday. But the next step after the next letter will be to file a complaint with the Department of Education. So we will see.

Thank you all for your support.

Goodbye Sleep? Maybe.

2010-03-09T11:04:00.002-06:00

I am not exhausted but I am always tired. I have been fortunate for Jada not to have lows at night. In fact, she would be on her way to climbing into the 400s by 10 pm. I would correct and head to bed without any worries. I do realize how lucky I was for that. And I realize that mostly, if not all, do wake up at least once a night to check bg and treat any lows that come.

It seems this past week, Jada numbers at night have been getting lower and lower. When she used to be in the upper 100s before bed, now she in the lower 100s before bed. Then there was last night. Jada was 90 when I checked her before bed. I have no doubt that most of you would have given your kid a snack but not me. I am used to Jada climbing at night so I sent her off to bed and set my alarm to check her in an hour. She was 88. Okay not bad but not where she would typically be. I set my alarm for the next hour and headed to bed. I guess I shut that off in my sleep (which I could win an Olympic medal in). So when Erin came to meet me in bed and started cracking jokes at MIDNIGHT (yes cracking jokes in the middle of the night as if she hadn't just been sound asleep), I hopped out of bed to check Jada. She was 56 so I got her a juice box to drink and hoped I could stay awake for 15 minutes to recheck. Luckily, Erin was still cracking jokes and talking about weird, amusing stuff so I was able to stay awake. Recheck she was up to 105. Great! Headed back to bed and told Erin to hush up!

I am wholeheartedly afraid that if night time checks become something I have to do that I will not wake up for them. I really can turn my alarm off in my sleep, which on the iPhone is pretty impressive to me since you have to slide the slider thing over to turn it off. I must be conscious on some level to do that. I guess if I have to put an alarm across the room, I will and just wake up whoever is sleeping with me that night, usually Erin. I am just terrified that I won't wake up.

D just isn't cool!

2010-03-08T19:11:00.002-06:00

Making decisions on your child's behalf is hard enough. Trying to figure out what is best for them on every level from what clothes are weather appropriate for the day to what school or program should they sign up for. Everything. Then throw D into it and you add on a whole other lever of harder decisions.

Like today. Jada called me from school to tell me that her throat hurt. I asked her if it hurt a little or a lot, if she felt like she needed to go to the doctor, or if she wanted to stay at school. She said that she would call me again if it started hurting more. I told her okay.

Then I started thinking. Jada never calls me from school. She never complains about not feeling well unless she is low. So then I got worried. I knew I couldn't make it the rest of the day at work and leave her at school not knowing. Because with D, the slightest sickness can be dangerous for out kids.

So I got her an appointment to see the doctor. From the moment I picked her up, she just didn't seem right. She was soft spoken and way more quiet and calm than she actually is. But the doctor cleared her and said everything looked fine. But to me, she was off. She was tired and started to fall asleep while we were waiting for the nurse girl to enter her meds into the system. Her bg was fine so it wasn't that. I decided it would be best for her to come home.

We picked up lunch and came home to eat. Then she and I headed to bed for a nap. That was a great nap. We woke up in time for me to get dressed and head to my new afternoon job. And that went great. How could it not be? I am arranging and organizing!

This evening she seems to be back to her normal self. Maybe she just needed some rest. Maybe kids have those days too.

Without D, I would not have taken her to the doctor. I would have had her stick it out at school and waited for fever or some other symptoms before bringing her in. But you just never know when the rest of the day or night brings with D.

On another note. The letter was handed in to Jada's teacher and the principal. I confirmed with Jada that her teacher did get my letter and read it. I ran into the principal when I was there to sign Jada out. She told me that she did get my letter but had not read it due to being in meetings but asked if I needed to discuss anything with her. I told her that I would be more than happy to discuss the contents of the letter if needed but everything was explained there and to let me know if she wanted to discuss it further.

My letter to the teacher!

2010-03-07T14:57:00.005-06:00

Dear (teacher's name),

I have a major safety concern. Jada informed me of two instances last week which took place on Thursday and Friday.

First, on Thursday, March 4, 2010, while in the middle of a class lesson, Jada raised her hand. Her account of the situation was that you told her to put her hand down and in response to that, she crossed her arms and grumbled. She lost a check on her daily chart for not remaining calm. She was trying to tell you that she felt low, which is her way of expressing that she doesn’t feel right and that her blood sugar is low. Thankfully, this happened at the end of the day and on her way to the bus, she stopped in the office to check her blood sugar. It was 64, which is too low, and needed to be treated with juice to bring her blood sugar up to a safe level. Since raising her hand is one of the goals she is working very hard at reaching, I expressed to Jada that I was very proud of her for not speaking out of turn. I did also discuss with her about when you are in the middle of a lesson, she may sometimes have to wait. However, this was not one of those moments. Jada’s sugar was dropping and she was raising her hand to let you know that she did not feel well. I understand that you must continue your lesson, but I have a major concern. That is Jada’s health and well being. Before we dismiss her trying to communicate, we must be sure that she is not trying to express anything concerning her health.

Secondly, on Friday, March 5, 2010, while watching a movie in class, Jada expressed to you that she felt low. She informed me that you would not let her go to the office to check her blood sugar and you told her something like she says that every day. While I understand that diabetes is not convenient, it is extremely serious. Again, I am thankful that this happened near the end of the day. I happened to go to school to pick Jada up that afternoon. Her blood sugar was 46, which is dangerously way too low. To explain to you how seriously low this is, when her blood sugar reaches 35, she begins to become unconscious.

Jada has Type 1, Insulin Dependent Diabetes. There is no way around it or ignoring it and it is very serious. Jada cannot depend on her body to keep her safe. She has to depend on the adults around her. When Jada expresses, or tries to express, that she is not feeling well, her blood sugar must be checked. It is a necessity and it must be done no matter how often it seems she asks. It is a matter of life or death. You see, an untreated low blood sugar will lead to her becoming unconscious, then going into a seizure, then death.

Another point that has been discussed before is that Jada should never be alone when she expresses a concern of a low blood sugar, which includes being escorted to the office by either an adult or another student.

I trust that Jada will be allowed to express her health concerns to you no matter what is going on in the classroom and that she will not have any more issues with checking her blood sugar each and every time she requests to.

As always, please call me if you have any concerns. I can be reached at ***.****.

So that is my letter. Thanks Lora for your input on it. And thank you all for your support and being frustrated along with me. Of course, I must have restraint and can't say exactly what I want but I must get the point across. A few of you have asked if there are other classes and the answer to that is yes there are. With the help of the ADA things should improve, if not, then it will so be on!

Please let me know what you think. It is very important that I express how serious this is without calling the teacher an idiot!

ADA Meeting

2010-03-05T19:57:00.004-06:00

I had finally got a call from an ADA advocate (who is also a nurse and a D-Mom) on Monday telling me that she was meeting with Lafayette Parish officials on Wednesday. She had gotten other calls about things going on in our parish (our parish is equal to your county) which included no one being trained how to treat lows for a child with D! So she scheduled this meeting on behalf of them and Jada. She was hoping to educate them on what needed to be done and was prepared to go to the national ADA level if needed. I was pumped and excited. Finally, something was going to happen!

I called her this afternoon for the breakdown!

Attendees:
Sue (ADA Advocate)
Dr. Flint (Ped Endo, our Endo) LOVE HER
Betty (Head Nurse for Parish)
Doctor (Medical Doctor that was recently hired by the parish)

Both Sue and Dr. Flint were well prepared. Dr. Flint had printed out the laws that the parish is supposed to be following. Sue expressed concerns about not having people trained on campuses to take care of our kids. She explained that there needed to people designated on each school campus to check bg, treat lows, and watch and verify numbers being entered into pumps by the students. She explained that an apple turns into sugar the same way that king cake does. The other kid they were there for would go to the office to check his bg and the principal would then call the parents and ask what he was supposed to do. Dr. Flint (who does not like lows) explained how much danger this student was in when every moment counts when your kid has a 46 bg. Betty tried to argue that the parents are only two minutes away. Dr. Flint again explained to her how every moment counts and that kid is not safe. Sue brought up the parish policy about field trips (they cancel the entire trip if a parent of a child with d can't go) and how that is illegal and discrimination. To that Betty said that is parish policy. Sue also brought up about children with D not being able to get 504 plans and used us specifically because they would not approve Jada for one last year but she did get one this year because of her ADHD and Bipolar and they wrote D on there as well. Sue expressed that again they were not following the law.

Sue made Betty cry! That made me happy (which may make me a bad person but she made me cry through an entire meeting and could have cared less).

Dr. Flint and Sue told Betty that all the other family wanted to know since January is who was designated to treat their son and she would not provide that information. Funny thing about this is that after the meeting Betty emailed Sue a list of people designated to treat the other kid and two of them hadn't worked there for a year! Another person on the list is a friend of Sue's, so she called her and she confirmed that she was never told that she was to be taking care of the student.

Betty tried to blame the parents (including me) saying that nothing they could do would please us. To that Sue said that we were not asking for anything that wasn't reasonable.

Oh another thing that was said. The other family had asked Betty what she would do if her child was diagnosed with diabetes. Betty told them that she would quit her job and home school her child! (Yes she said that)!!! Sue brought that up and told Betty that she needed to understand about the American with Disabilities Act. Of course, Betty denied that she said that.

Sue said the same things about Betty that I do. Betty doesn't get it. She still doesn't even after that. Sue explained to them that if they did not begin to follow the law then they would be filing a complaint with the OCR. To that Betty said, you go ahead and file your complaint. Sue told her that she was sure that the superintendent would not have that same opinion considering their federal funding is on the line. At that point, the doctor jumped in and said that the complaint was not necessary and they would do what needed to be done. Sue thinks that all of this will lead to Betty's retirement (she is about 70) which will only be a good thing!

And at some point in the meeting, the doctor said that the students shouldn't have to go to the office to check their bg, that they should be able to check and treat their bg is class. (WHOO HOO!)

That is about all I remember from the meeting breakdown. I do know that Dr. Flint was a great advocate for kids with D in the school system. And Sue was great! And I am not just saying that because she made Betty cry!

Sue will still be involved but she is bringing in a national advocate to help as well. They know that there are 100 kids with D in the school system. They are planning a gathering of the parents to be held in April to inform everyone of their (our) rights and to see if there was anything else going on that needed to be addressed. The national advocate knows specifically about our situation and will direct us in writing letters to the school board superintendent and others at the school board office to bring attention to all of this.

I am very hopeful that we are moving in the right direction. I know there are others near me going through the same things and we are joining together and will get things done. So if in ten years there isn't a cure, another six year old will get to enjoy their king cake with the rest of their class and another kid will know exactly who to go to in order to treat their low!

I am not sure how long this tunnel will be but I can see that there is light at the other end.

You know your happy pills are working when...

2010-03-05T09:51:00.005-06:00

You know your happy pills are working when....

You don't want to rip the teacher's head off but for the following:

Jada came home from school yesterday and as usual, I ask her how her day was. She usually says good then I ask about her chart. Well yesterday, she explained to me that she only lost one check and tells me that the teacher told her to put her hand down (YES! HER HAND WAS RAISED). So she did but she crossed her arms and grumbled causing her to loose a check. You see, Jada needed to tell her that she felt low and needed her bg checked BUT the teacher didn't want to be interrupted. Thankfully, this was the last 30 minutes of the day. Jada went to the office to check on her way to the bus and sure enough, she was 64! Ugh! That teacher! Of course, communication is needed but no violence!

You don't feel completely guilty for sleeping through the following:

First, let me say that yesterday was by best friend's birthday and I headed out to dinner with her and company. We had a fabulous dinner complete with desert and several drinks. I got home and watched Grey's Anatomy which I had recorded. Then, I got this massive headache. That combined with my exhaustion that I always feel and the drinks, I headed to crash in bed. Jada usually goes to meet my mom in the middle of the night, which she did again last night. Around 3:00 am, her bg was 62. Mom treated with a glucose tab and rechecked in 15 minutes...57! Treated again, still didn't come up. She came to get me to which my reply was give her juice. I couldn't get out of bed! Around 7, her be was still around the 80s. Of course, I fixed that by not giving her her insulin before school which caused a 441! It was one of those mornings!

Somethings are looking better for me. For one, I have all of my D-Mom friends!

And then there are other things that I can't solve or fix and just have to wait and try not to worry too much over.

Here it is!

2010-03-04T10:23:00.003-06:00

Here I am in my pink shirt! Which by the way, I am wearing today. Erin was so happy to take this picture!

No Cream Needed!

2010-03-02T11:31:00.002-06:00

When Jada first started pumping in December 2008, we did a few site insertions without any numbing cream and it became a battle. I don't know about you, but I don't particularly like holding my kid down while trying to stick them with a needle. It was just not worth it so I chose to try numbing cream. It worked. There weren't any more battles (about site changes anyway) and site changes were smooth sailing.

Lately, however, we have been having a horrible time getting her sites to say on. They would last a day and then the ends would start coming up. Jada is a picker so she would pick until they eventually came out. Even if she didn't have the chance to pick, they would still come out after a day. I first thought that maybe we got a bad batch of sites or maybe Animas changed their adhesive formula. Who knows? So I put that box aside and opened a new box. Still no luck. We have been doing the same process for site changes for over a year so all I could wonder was WTH???

What finally pushed me over the edge was a fresh, new site that came out not two hours after we put it in. Jada was sliding off of the sofa on her belly and out it came. I was pissed I tell you. WTH???

Saturday night was site change and Jada whimpered about the cream that I didn't put on this time and I explained to her about her sites not staying on and I wanted to try it without the cream and see if it helped. She agreed but was really nervous about it. All went fine and her site stayed in until next site change (well actually a day after because we forgot to take it out). Site change again last night without cream went well again.

I still don't quite know why this changed for us after all this time of doing something the same way but I do know it wasn't working for us anymore.

I am way excited to just say site change and do it with out having to put cream on and wait! I am so proud of Jada as well for allowing me to try it without giving a big fight!

On another note, her new ADHD medicine seems to be working well. She has only been on the optimal dose for her age/weight for two days but she has been very well behaved, until it wears off that is!

What Do You Do???

2010-02-27T20:26:00.003-06:00

In the spirit of YDMV (your Diabetes may vary), I was just wondering the way you all handle these situations:

Low BG
I know depending on how low will determining exactly what you treat with and the amount...but do you wait 15 minutes to retest? What is it is snack or meal time? Do you treat the low first, wait 15 minutes to recheck then give the snack or meal?

High BG
Of course, give insulin via injection or pump. What if it is snack or meal time? Do you limit what your child's food choices or amount?

Curious minds (like mine) would like to know!

Edited to add: I know we all do things differently. There is no right or wrong way. We just had an instance yesterday that led me to wonder what everyone else does.

A Poor Me blog post.

2010-02-26T10:55:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, I posted about being blocked. I got some wonderful ideas from some wonderful ladies on what to blog about to get me started. I will save these for another day!

I am sad. I am mad. And I feel lost. I also feel a bit lucky. But I still feel lost.

I listen to the Kidd Kraddick morning show on the radio and this morning they were talking about some thing that they are doing called "My Day" or something to that effect. What it is is they each came up with an idea on how to make someone else day better that they will each do on a regular basis. One of the idea's got a letter from this lady who had gotten pregnant at the age of 36. She wrote about how she found out half way through her pregnancy that her baby had this rare genetic disorder that causes most babies with it not to be able to survive full term and if the baby does then they won't live much longer. The baby died only minutes before she was delivered. I was heartbroken for her and the thought of having to deal with something like that. This lady also has an older son, who was born with a rare type of cancer. The cancer is gone for her older son but can you imagine.

So after hearing her story (which my retelling does nothing compared to her words), I felt lucky that Jada has manageable conditions. That she will live. That I will see her grow.

But parts of me, a lot of me, still feels so angry. I am angry that Jada has so many difficulties. When we get one thing under as much control as we can for the moment, something else happens to another part of her. We are constantly juggling difficult moods, food and insulin, and impulses that you wouldn't believe. I just don't get it. She is only six and has so much to deal with. She has so many things that make everyday a struggle. And most of it, she doesn't even understand what the problem is. She doesn't get why most of the stuff she says is inappropriate.

And I am sad. I am sad that she has to go through all of this. I am just so exhausted that I haven't been able to stay awake at work this week and have had to shut my door and rest while my boss was at lunch. I mean how ridiculous and pathetic.

I feel like I have been in a fight with moods, and blood sugars, and hyperactivity. And I feel like all of them are winning. I feel like there is no more fight left in me.

Please excuse the poor me blog today. I needed to get it out.

I am blocked!

2010-02-25T12:14:00.003-06:00

I don't know what to post about!

Don't worry. This does not mean that all is quiet in my house just little things here and there and I am quite exhausted!

I will keep thinking of something!

My Day!

2010-02-22T09:07:00.005-06:00

My friend Claire took me away on Saturday. We headed to Baton Rouge (which is about an hour away from here) for a day of shopping and laughing! My kids weren't too thrilled about it (Erin seems to want to be attached to me all the time). But I went anyway.

We had a wonderful lunch complete with dessert.

Then we headed over to Macy's to buy new makeup that we both needed and ended up getting facials. Of course, I didn't think to take any pictures of this.

After that, we went on a wild goose chase to find a store which no longer exists! But it was fun and we laughed about it.

We did get to go clothes shopping at another store. I am happy to report that I bought two shirts that are not black! One is a lavender and the other is a bright pink print. I know you all will be proud!

Then we had a few cocktails and headed home. Yes we had a driver!

It was a great day.

But like all days, it wouldn't be complete if there weren't some sort of D mishap that no one else can handle! I get a call from my mom telling me that Jada's site had come out! Of course, in the 18 months that Jada has had D, my mom hasn't bothered to learn how to so a site insertion so my little one was given shots for snack and dinner! Jada handled that fine. This site thing has been an issue lately but it wasn't always that way. I am not sure if we just got a bad batch of sites with not as strong as usual adhesive!!! Who knows!

Nevertheless, I had a great time!

DKA is scary!

2010-02-18T09:46:00.005-06:00

4 AM this morning, my mom wakes me up to tell me that Jada wasn't feeling well and had been awake for an hour. I crawled out of bed so intent on curling up with her and getting her back to sleep. Little did I know!

Jada was nauseous but being that it was 4 am, she didn't have anything in her stomach. She was thirsty so she drank water. She kept gagging and running to the bathroom (which I am thankful that she is old enough to do) and dry heaving. Nothing was there to come out. She didn't feel well. I was thinking Good Hell! Now she as a stomach thing!

The voice inside my head told me to check her bg so I did. 446. Okay check ketones. 2.8. Okay get ketone meter book and see what 2.8 means. Moderate? Large? Who knows? But it was one of those. I should mention here that we never check ketones. Jada usually doesn't get ketones so I was very surprised that she had them. Her bg spikes during the night to the 400s and the fact that her insulin pump had somehow become unplugged didn't help matters. She she was getting no insulin at all for who knows how long.

My mind was racing. Is the DKA? Is this nausea from the new medicine she started on Tuesday? If she were going to be nauseous from her new medicine wouldn't it have hit her on the first day? Lots of thoughts. I called the pharmacist about the medicine and side effects. She agreed with me. She suggested that it may be a stomach bug (I hadn't mentioned that she had D). I was so hoping for something else but I didn't get something else.

I called our Endo. She told me how much insulin to give her for the ketones which I gave by injection. I had already done a correction for the bg through her pump. It wasn't good that she was throwing up and couldn't keep water down. We waited a while at home to see if the vomiting would stop. If it didn't, then that meant ER. But it did so no ER.

I checked Jada again at 8 am (well many times in between the two). BG 161. Ketones 2.8. Spoke to the Endo again. She gave me lots of options to give Jada to get rid of the ketones. We will update her again at noon.

So Jada didn't want to drink anything. I explained to her about ketones and that is why she wasn't feeling well this morning. I told her that she needed to drink lots and get rid of the ketones so that she didn't get sick again. But Jada didn't want to drink. I told her that she had to drink or we would end up in the hospital. So my darling daughter goes and gets dressed to go to the hospital!

Needless to say, we are not at the hospital. And she is drinking stuff. But she still wants to go to the hospital!

DKA is scary. When you first find out that your child has D and you hear terms like DKA, you don't really understand. But I get it now so I know how serious it is. It is really scary to watch Jada throwing up and feeling so sick from D. To know what could happen.

Here's My List!

2010-02-13T22:06:00.008-06:00

According to the terms of Shamae's post, I must now tell you random things about me!

1. There is never a day when I don't wonder how I will make it to the end. I suffer from depression and have a really hard time with it.

2. I love organizing things. I would love to spend my day organizing anything and everything! I do my best work when I feel like my things are falling apart around me!

3. I work better under pressure and with a deadline. I tend to procrastinate until the last possible moment. If I spend too much time on something, I try to perfect it.

4. My favorite movie is Pride and Prejudice.

5. It has been years since I have been on a date. Well come to think of it...maybe never a real date!

6. I don't open up to people very easily. I don't have many friends. I keep a close circle of people around me that I remain loyal to. Currently, my circle contains 1!

7. I wear black everyday...not gothe but just black. I feel like I blend in and won't be noticed.

8. I am so consumed with being connected with my fellow D-moms that I got an iPhone by charging it on a credit card.

9. I am never at ease. Even on a good day, I worry about what is hiding around the next corner.

10. I feel like I am being punished for some past behavior.

11. I am scared of lizards and all things that look like lizards including but not limited to geckos and iguanas! We have geckos in our carport after dark and I will not leave the house if I have to go near one to get to my car.

12. I am direct. I say what I mean and often times what I say doesn't come across the way I mean it. I have to really think about how I want to word things before I say them so that my words can't be taken the wrong way.

13. I feel like I sound negative all the time. I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone...see #1.

14. My first job was as a cashier. My first vehicle was a Dodge Ram.

15. I haven't done anything that I would consider interesting. No tattoos. No wild parties. Nothing!

There you have it. This stuff was hard to come up with!

About king cake

2010-02-11T19:30:00.003-06:00

In the car this evening, Erin was talking about school today. They had a Valentine's party and she was telling me that is kids didn't take a nap, then they didn't get to bring their party bag home today. So what does that have to do with king cake????

So Jada jumps in...just like the king cake. She then says that if kids don't behave on king cake days, they don't get to eat the king cake in class. They have to bring it home.

Anger flushes over me. I keep this anger to myself. So really what I learned that kids who misbehave have to bring their king cake home. Oh but wait. So does Jada. But not because of any misbehaving. But because she has diabetes. What kind of message does that send?

I don't think she made the same connection that I did. At least, I am hoping she didn't. If is just more fuel to my fire and more for me to use in my arguments.

Mardi Gras is Tuesday. So no more king cake. Very exciting!

What to post?

2010-02-11T13:42:00.003-06:00

At this point, I have two (well a few) ways I can go with this post. I can focus on Erin's birthday and the good moments that we had or I can bring up all of the negative emotions that are running rapidly thought me. Well we'll see what happens....

Yesterday, I woke up with the intentions of going to work and sending Jada and Erin to school. That plan was soon shot down. It became clear that Jada was not ready to go back. She said she was tired and was very grumpy. I did a lot of back and forth in my head about it and decided that she was just too grumpy to send to school. I figured that will her body just getting over her first manic episode, she just wasn't ready. I didn't want to chance her not feeling well enough to make it through the day. We drove Erin to school. Erin was ready to have her birthday with her class. Jada and I came home. I cleaned the house (which we have up for sale) getting prepared for Erin's party and the open house scheduled for Sunday. I figured I needed to make the most of being home. I also had called Dr. G's office since I didn't get a call back on Wednesday like I should have and I still needed to know what we were going to do about Jada's ADHD medicine. By 10:30, Tony, the lady that does the doctor's calls had called me back and of course the new medicine would be another stimulant which required a paper prescription. I told her that if that was the actual medicine that Dr. G wanted to prescribe then I needed to get on the road to get there since we are a little over an hour to get there. She would have to call me back. Okay. I cleaned more then decided to escape into The Time Traveler's Wife. Halfway into that, two hours after my initial call with Tony, she calls back. So off we went. What made this so frustrating was that Jada had another doctor's appointment scheduled at 3:30 so her taking two hours to call back meant that we had to cancel Jada's other appointment because we wouldn't be back in time.

We returned home after our two and a half hour car trip just in time for Erin to get off of the bus and begin the birthday stuff. She opened her presents which she loved. Then we headed to Jump Zone which is building full of inflatable jumps and stuff (it just opened here so we hadn't been). The girls were both playing and having such a good time. Then BRICK WALL. Jada started to have an anxiety attack. She couldn't decide which slide or jump she wanted to go on. No one wanted to play with her. That lasted for about 10 minutes. Her crying, pitiful. She started to come back around and asked me to walk around with her. I did, only because she was getting control of herself and able to talk with words and not whine. Then, out of nowhere, one of Jada's friends was there. Her mood changed drastically and she and her friend started going around together holding hands. We stayed a little longer then left for dinner.

We stopped at Walgreen's on the way to drop the prescription to be filled. That in itself it just more problems. Short version. They didn't have the medicine and the girl claimed that she could not call another location to see if they had it. She lied. She just didn't want to. I fill every one of Jada's medicines there so I know she could have. My suspicion of her laziness was confirmed by another location.

We headed to dinner. Erin chose Logan's. I had two margaritas to calm me down and it helped. I was able to get passed the frustrations that were building up yesterday and enjoy the rest of the evening. I am not proud of that but I needed it yesterday.

This living on the edge thing is exhausting. Not knowing what's around the next corner that will push me over the cliff is stressful. This week has been a lot to deal with. Have I had worse weeks? Yes. But this week definitely ranks in the top five weeks of all time!

We made it!

2010-02-09T22:54:00.002-06:00

I have been thinking about this blog. I entitled it Diabetes Then Some but I find that I am mostly writing about the Then Some part. So I vowed that I would post more about Diabetes. Well this is not that day!

If you have seen my updates on FB, then you kinda know the goings on since Sunday. Well here it is and I am so happy to report that we made it though and it was rough.

Along with Diabetes, Jada has Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. You can read more about them here. Jada was once on a stimulant for the ADHD which caused her to become really aggressive and led to her being hospitalized in a pshych unit. After that, she was put on a non-stimulant which helped for a while but it was becoming less effective and would not give any constant coverage of her hyperactivity and impulse control. Dr. G suggested that we try another type of stimulant (apparently there are two classes) and I was completely hesitant because of the aggression and rages that came on as a result of the first stimulant. Dr. G assured me that those affects were less likely with this class of stimulant. Okay so we gave it a try. First dose was Sunday morning at 8:00 am. We had a great day. Hyperactivity and impulses were in check. Jada was sweet and cooperative. It was good! Oh but later that afternoon it became apparent that she was very wired. She was in control of herself but running on a motor. Sleep did not happen. We did our usual evening routine. She went to bed. But she didn't sleep. It is not uncommon for her to have trouble falling asleep some nights so maybe she is up until 11 or so. I was thinking this was this night. But no. I was tired. I took her to bed with me and she could not keep still. She was fidgety and not able to stop. We got up and she watched tv and I slept on the sofa. She woke me up at 2:30 a, because I was snoring too loud (I am sick still, nasal congestion). So I said I was going to bed and she stayed up. She came to bed at 4:30 and finally fell asleep. I obviously couldn't send her to school so just a little over a week after having to call into work for having my daughter overdosed on meds, now she is manic and I am calling in again! I let her sleep and got Erin on the bus. I told my body that it could relax and go back to bed. And it did! Little did I know that Jada would wake up at 9:00 am, only 4.5 hours after she went to sleep!! I was exhausted and sent her to read books and color in her room. She woke me up at 11:30 am with hands, feet, and face covered in glue. That impulse thing...she just doesn't think about things. She put glue on her hands, rubbed them together, covered her feet and had a hand print on each cheek. She was so cute. I then checked her bg...in the 400s. WTH? She had eaten breakfast. She was hungry and mom of the year was sleeping. I told her "Jada. You can't eat without getting insulin." Jada "I'm sorry. I'm just a kid". Yes Jada you are. So no biggie! Bolused her and we took a shower. Little while later we were both clean (and free from glue). She was just so cute that day. She was not to hyper. She was mostly in control of her impulses. I did a lot of saying "Think. Stop. Go." We made it through and I though surely she would sleep. But nope. Up again. She was so wired. She was a motor. I really thought that she just had this reaction to the medicine and it was out of her system so things would get back to "normal". But nope. Bed time again and she was wired. I stayed up with her as long as I could. I made it until 3:30 before I headed to bed and left her up. My body was in pain. I was hurting so I could only imagine what she felt like. She didn't sleep the entire night. She had had 5 hours of sleep in 46 hours. This was not fun. This was a first. I read all about these episodes in my bipolar research but never experienced it. I thought I was going to crack. 6:30 am this morning, I was crying, sleep deprived and being driven crazy by a child who couldn't stop moving. She looked so ridiculous. She was still in a good mood, not grouchy like me, but there were dark circles under her eyes. I was so sad for what she must have been feeling like. I called the doctor's service and got a call back from him shortly after. He asked me if I wanted to see if she settled on her own or if I wanted something to knock her out. I choose sleep. I needed it. She needed it. I couldn't have made it much longer like this. Then on top of all this, I got a call from the bus driver to inform me that she wasn't going to be running this morning. I delegated Erin getting to school to my mom cause I just couldn't deal with it. I was on that edge that Meri posted about and worrying about getting Erin to school would have sent me over. So she took care of that only having huffed once. Walgreen's opened at 8:00 am and we were there waiting when they got there. By 8:30, we were back home and by 9:00 am, Jada was knocked out. I carried her to bed and I fell fast asleep too. I woke up at 2:30 this afternoon feeling human again. Sleep felt so good! Jada slept until 7:30 pm. I tried unsuccessfully to wake her up earlier but she was just too tired. I didn't even want to check her bg scared that I would wake her up. I checked round 5 pm, she was 95, around 6 pm, she was 80, and by 7:30, she was 62. At that point, I woke her up for juice and she realized she was hungry so she got up. Thinking about it now, I should have set a decreased temp basal to keep her from dropping like I saw her doing. I have the technology to do so but it never occurred to me. Oh well, next time....which hopefully there won't be. She stayed up long enough to eat, watch some tv and take a bath. She and Erin both went to sleep in my bed at 8:45. It looks like we are over our first manic episode. It was hard and at a few moments there, I didn't think it would end but it did and I learned a few things. Next time, I will be more insistent with the lady at Dr. G's office. Although I though it was just the side effect of the medicine not the medicine setting off a manic episode that would last for days (I am assuming) without any medication intervening. I guess for the next few days, Jada will take the safer (for her) non stimulant med that we have just to make it through the school days. I hope to talk to Dr. G tomorrow and get something else figured out. I am glad this has passed. Wednesday is Erin's 5th birthday (which I can't believe how much she has grown) so now we can enjoy it and have the fun that we planned.

I am off to get the girls in their own beds or I might just go sleep in theirs...who knows!

Hey D...you suck!

2010-02-08T21:10:00.002-06:00

As if I don't have enough I have to fuss at Jada about.

But because she has you, she has to get insulin which we choose to use a pump. Do you know how many site changes we have been through in the last week??? I think we have a bad box with bad adhesives so I open a new box and that was better. BUT now I have to tell my child with impulse control and a habit for picking at things that if she picks at another site again and it comes out and requires a new site before it is time that she will have to do the site change with out the numbing cream. How is that for having to discipline a child with D?

Isn't it enough to have you around all of the time? Now I have to discipline her for stuff related to you!

More teacher stuff

2010-02-05T09:27:00.002-06:00

So this is what I am feeling about the situation. The situation is this...as a part of Jada's 504 plan for her behavioral concerns, she has this daily chart for target behaviors. Her target behaviors have been to remain calm and to try her best even if she was frustrated. This was a big deal when this all started. Everyday, the chart gets sent home. She has checks everyday, all day. Also, an agenda book which is like a planner for the year goes back and forth to school/home with homework assignments and is to be used as a communication tool between home and school. Then on Fridays, the Positive Behavior Team awards students with some sort of prize which was wearing jeans today. Everyone got to wear a Saints shirt. So apparently, after having no comments about any issues and having all checks all week, Jada did not get awarded a sticker to wear jeans today. The issue here is communication. What follows is my rant of my feelings on what I would like for her to understand. Obviously, I can't say these things this way but I will be writing something some sort of way. Help is appreciated and if you make it to the end....WOW!

First, my comments here are NOT a reflection on how I feel about all teachers. I am having issues with one specific teacher and my comments here are directed solely to her and this situation.

My child had special needs. She has emotional issues. She has behavioral issues. She has Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Anxiety. Come on woman, you know this. Believe me, if I could erase these disorders from her, I would. If I could make her mind a little less cloudy, I would. Do you really think that I enjoy watching my child have these issues? Do you think I enjoy having to fight another battle everyday? Don't you think I am just as tired as you after a long day at work? I get that Bipolar may be a new concept to you. But ADHD. She is not the first child to come through your classroom with that. How many meetings have we had? How much more information can I give you for you to understand? Why have you never spoken up and said you don't understand what her issues are? But how can you not understand what her issues are? You have three pages of information specific to Jada and how her issues specifically affect her. I know you have a classroom full of kids with their own needs. I get that the day does not revolve around my child. But you are not giving her a chance to be successful. You are not helping her to succeed. You set her up yesterday afternoon to fail. You did that. Not her.

I don't know. Maybe in your eyes, I am this parent who is just making excuses for my kid. But I assure you I am not. She has rules and consequences just like other kids. She does not get to use her Bipolar, ADHD, anxiety or diabetes for that matter as an excuse for anything. When she behaves in an unacceptable way, she receives consequences. She is never told that her medication isn't working. She doesn't even know what Bipolar Disorder or ADHD are. She knows that she is different. Not because she is told she is, but because she feels it. Maybe to you, I am the parent who seems not to have their stuff together because one night of the week I don't initial the blank agenda book or I sign on the wrong night for the reading homework. But really, I do the best I can. So some nights initialing a piece of paper is just too much. My child's homework is done and we read twenty minutes a day without being forced to and sign a paper saying so. My job is to be an advocate for my child, to speak up for her because at the end of the day, she is just a little girl with so much on her plate and lost in a fog.

How can you expect her to succeed if you have changed the goals for her to meet and not told her about them? How can she succeed if you haven't written or communicated to me that there are any other issues that are becoming a big problem???? That is my main thing. All of a sudden, her hyperactivity and impulsiveness is so out of hand. Yet there has been no communication to me about this. I specifically wrote you and asked about these things because we were having problems at home and I wanted to address any issues with her doctor. You called me and said there was nothing major. That things were normal. How can I address this if you don't tell me what is going on? Obviously, she is at school all day. How am I supposed to know what is going on there if you don't tell me or tell me that everything is normal? Her hyperactivity and impulsiveness is a medication issue, not a defiance issue. She can't control it if her medication is not right. I have tried over and over to explain this to you. But yet, yesterday, you got attitude with me and raised you voice while I was trying to explain to you that this is a medication issue not her not trying to follow rules. And what do you say? I didn't know that. Really??? You didn't??? How could you not? You are in attendance for every single 504 meeting that we have had. ADHD is not a new concept. Managing ADHD with medication is not a new concept.

My issue is COMMUNICATION! I get a blank agenda book and a checked chart everyday. To me that says that things are going great, that she is being successful and reaching her goals. Then I get a slap in my face yesterday when the secretary calls to tell me that Jada missed the bus and she was upset about not being able to wear jeans today. Tell me, how many "normal" kids who didn't get the sticker to wear jeans today went on to the office completely broken down? She cried until I got there, on the way home, and for about another twenty minutes. She didn't understand. How could she? She sees checked charts everyday. She hasn't been in any trouble. She and I were both taken back that she was not at 90% when there has been nothing told to me otherwise. If you have been seeing that hyperactivity and impulsiveness were an issue, then why didn't you tell me? You knew I was watching out for them. It takes two minutes to write a note or make a call. But nothing. No clue. If you wanted to change her target behaviors on her chart, why wait until she has failed at reaching a goal that she was excited about? Why not be proactive? WHY???? Why not let me know? I told her before that it is a medication issue...why not let me know? I don't have the luxury of being with my daughter all day. You do. That makes this a team deal. How can I help her be successful and fix issues that she is having during the eight hours a day I am not with her if you don't tell me?

I have my issues with you starting with the whole king cake mess and your attitude of it doesn't affect her at school so it isn't my problem. You may have issues with me because I wanted my kid to be able to enjoy the king cake mess like everyone else. I get that. Sure you are over stressed and way underpaid. I get that too. But working with parents is a part of the job. And working with you is a part of what I have to do as well.

Maybe since my hostile feelings are now written out, I can move passed them and write something that I can actually send to you.

For one, you must communicate what is going on. Secondly, you have got to understand a little about what she has to deal with everyday.

And me. I have got to work with you.

Do Over

2010-02-04T00:04:00.002-06:00

I want a do over of today.

Today was my birthday. And in true birthday fashion, and despite the many, many birthday wishes on FB, I still feel so alone. Don't get me wrong. I do feel the tremendous amount of support from the D-Moms that I have been so fortunate to get to know but I lack a partner. I lack that one person who should be by my side. Off topic....my loneliness has nothing to with my wish for a do over.

The day started out great. And I don't use the term great lightly. The girls were dressed and ready to go on time. We were all excited for the day that layed ahead. Work was fast-paced and stressful as it usually is on the third working day of the month. Then around noon, it started to head south. Why? No clue. I have this theory that if I exert too much happiness or positive thinking at one time, then my supply of happiness doesn't make it through the day. So I would do that over. I would be grumpy this morning so that I would be able to enjoy my evening.

My work day ended with me feeling like I still have so much left to do tomorrow and I don't want to be the one holding up our month end closing. I got to the bus stop in time to receive a call from school saying that Jada's bg was too low (60) to put her on the bus. Okay so I drive the few blocks to find my very impulsive six year old has a major attitude things going on. Great! I can't tell you how excited I was about that. We get home, recheck 89. I let her eat 2 mini cupcakes that I got today, bolused and by dinner, she was a nice 159. She was also still very impulsive and very in tune with her attitude. I should also mention that around noon today, I started having some stomach issues which did not help at all and made certain parts of my body hurt. That continued most of the afternoon and into the evening.

All I wanted. All I planned. All I wanted was to be able to have my cake and eat boiled crawfish and have a decent night. I didn't think that was too much to ask for. Guess I was wrong about that. And what makes the fact that the night didn't turn out the way I wanted to worse was....me. I was horrible. I had no patience. Parts of me hurt to the point that I was crying. I kept telling my children to shut up. Writing this now, I feel like the worst mother in the world.

Jada is so impulsive some times, okay most of the time. The hyperactivity and the impulsiveness are the worst. My mind kept telling me "She can't help it. She doesn't get it" But my mouth...my mouth says "Shut up" Of course the shut up comes after hours of repeating myself over and over again but what am I teaching her. I feel so bad for her. She has been dealt a crappy crappy hand. Sometimes I don't handle it well. It is like she is lost in her own mind sometimes. Physically she is there. But what you say to her goes in one ear and out the other. She is lost in her own head, like she is walking around in a fog. I am so sad for her. I want to take that away from her. I want her have sunny skies with no clouds. I feel so helpless trying to help her on my own. I feel so inadequate to be helping her. How could I have been chosen to be her mom? What is it that I have to give to her? My emotions are depleted. My well is dry. I am in flight mode all of the time. There isn't any fight left in me. I feel so helpless. I feel like I have been thrown into the deep end of a pool.

So I want a do over. I want to wake up and it be my birthday again. I want to be grumpy most of the day so that I can handle the difficult night with a little more grace and patience. I want to not be so mean to my kids who I love so dearly. I want to be able to eat my cake and dinner without the stomach issues.

I hate falling apart. I hate breaking down. I hate feeling like I am holding on by a string.

Let's Talk about Erin

2010-02-02T22:13:00.003-06:00

Erin is a hoot!

So after school today, my mom decided she would take the girls shopping for my birthday present. I am all about that! But Erin wasn't. Erin can't be more than two inches away from me at any given time. So instead she went shopping with me. She is quite ridiculous. But I love her!!

So Thankful

2010-01-27T09:11:00.004-06:00

When Jada was first diagnoses, I desperately wanted to connect with other moms and dads out there that knew what I was going through. It took a few months to find a local group made up of parents of children with diabetes. I went to the first meeting after I found out about them and found myself still wanting more. While this group is full of wonderful women, most of their children are grown. I found myself unable to connect with them on most levels because their experiences were so different than mine are. Soon, the group was moved from the coffee shop to the hospital. I was hoping at that point that more newly diagnosed families would come so I could connect with someone. But still, even now, there really hasn't been anyone. I just don't get it. I needed to connect with people. I needed to know that I was not alone and that I was going to make it through all of this. I don't get how others don't.

I used to frequent the ADA message boards until they changed them in November and lost half of the people that were there. I never really got into the CWD site. I found Six Until Me and read that every morning. From there, I found Diabetes Sweeties, which I also would check everyday. It wasn't until December when there were postings about Christmas cards that I found all of the other blogs that a read everyday. And it was Tracy that convinced me to join the blogging community.

I am so happy that I found these blogs. I am so thankful that they are written. I feel so much less alone now. I feel so connected with others. I feel the support everyone has for one another and it is wonderful.

A gigantic THANK YOU to you all for writing your blogs and sharing them with me.

"Girls are more nicer than boys"

2010-01-26T09:06:00.002-06:00

So I posted recently about Jada trying new places for her sites. She did her arm and her leg. She didn't care for her leg too much because she is having to wear pants and she doesn't like how it feels rubbing against them. So her current site is on her arm. Yesterday, she gets off the bus and tells me that everyone was asking her what had happened. She said, so frustrated, well you know I have diabetes. Then she says that she only want to tell the girls and not the boys because girls are more nicer than boys. She said she told the boys to worry about themselves.She was so frustrated and serious. She wasn't frustrated that she has diabetes but frustrated that all of the kids should have made the connection between her site and her having diabetes. I tried not to chuckle. I told her that it was okay just to tell the girls and not the boys, that it is her diabetes and she could tell who ever she wanted or no one at all. She was so cute.

Stuff

2010-01-26T08:38:00.002-06:00

Jada's appointment with Dr. G went just fine. I did not get "in trouble" for not faxing in an update so I was happy about that. He made an adjustment to her ADHD med, switching the time of the day it is given and how much. So far, not helping. I am giving it the full five days he requested sending an update and saying it is time for something else. It has helped a little but she is still just so out there.

If you are on FB, then you know about Friday's medicine mishap. My mom gave Jada 5 mg of her ADHD med instead of the 3 mg she has been getting. The max dose for this medicine is only 4 mg. So I called poison control and they told me what to look out for. They called every hour to check on us. They were great people. Everything turned out fine. Of course, I had to call into work and miss an entire day but nothing I could do about it.

Erin's birthday is coming up so there is much talk about that around our house. A lot of stress and money issues.

I guess this post is a jumbled mess but well here it is anyway.

Dr. G today!

2010-01-21T12:27:00.002-06:00

Why is it that when I take Jada to one of her doctors I feel like I am going to the principal's office?

Edno...A1C. Which I then treat as my report card. It rubs in my face that I should download Jada's pump once a week and look for patterns and make adjustments. But do I? No.

Dr. S (psychologist)...Where I have to admit that I am not actually following through with certain things that I should be. Dr. S is great by the way. She always encourages me and never calls out my excuses as excuses.

Dr. G (psychiatrist)...I am supposed to send update and I don't. I am so scared that he will say something about that. He hasn't yet. Although today might be that day. I see that Jada's ADHD meds are right for her anymore and we need to change that so I could have been better at sending in an update.

But what can I say. I procrastinate. Why do now what you can put off until later??? I have also been suffering with my own depression a lot lately so that too keeps me from doing the things I should be doing.

I could say a million things about why I don't get things done and none of it really matters. Simply, I need to do it. I need to get through the procrastination, depression, and whatever else and do what needs to be done.

JDRF lunch

2010-01-20T13:25:00.002-06:00

I just got back from the kick off lunch for the Walk coming up in March! So excited.

The best part....I talked to another parent who actually works in the school system who is having issues of her own. She fought to get them to send a few teachers who volunteered to be trained in the care of her daughter. So contrary to what that Betty woman said....it can be done! She has the policies and information (which by the way hasn't been changed since the 1980s!) and is going to send them to me. She is trying to get a 504 for her daughter now and they are not allowing it. She agrees with me that all of this is completely ridiculous but can't be the front of the battle because she works for the school system. I told her that I had no problem being in the front but I needed information. We both agree that if all the parents come together then it would be a battle easier fought! So I am excited. As soon as I get the information from her, I will be speaking with whoever I need to once again!

Watch out Betty cause we (the parent's of the children whose disease you called a "problem") are coming for you!!!!

I am pumped...can you tell?

Site Change!

2010-01-17T17:18:00.004-06:00

When Jada was first diagnosed, she would only do shots in her arms. It took a long time to get her to try her stomach and she rarely used her legs. When she started pumping, she would only use her stomach. We also didn't use the numbing cream at first but after a while, I decided it may make it easier on her and it has.

It was only two months ago (she started pumping in December 2008) that shw tried on her upper butt and that was with me pushing her to do so. Her poor little stomach is full of dots.

Friday night was site change night. My little six year old says "let's try my arm." I jumped on board and said great. We put the cream and let it sit.

She did it! It didn't hurt her and she was proud! I will point out here that she is going through this phase that she thinks she is smiling but she just looks weird!

Next, she wants to try her leg. I am so proud of her.

Dinosaurs!

2010-01-17T17:08:00.004-06:00

Walking with Dinosaurs came to town this week. The tickets were way expensive but since my mom works at a school, we had the opportunity to go at the school rate which was affordable. We could not miss this. I skipped work (had intentions on going in after but with my emotions depleted from that horrible meeting, I didn't) and the girls missed school. We had a great time! It was great to see the huge dinosaurs moving about. Here are a few pictures that came out.

Jada and Erin (with claws) preparing for the show to start!

Can't Wake Up

2010-01-15T09:45:00.002-06:00

I realized yesterday as I was leaving work that what I am feeling is way bigger than a bad day.

It is like a bad day that never ends. It is like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I can't just wake up from a good night's sleep and start new.

I realized that the school issue is just a smaller part of the bigger issue that will always be there...diabetes. Will it be easier someday? Maybe. But does that mean that it isn't difficult now? Certainly not.

I am so exhausted emotionally that I can't even turn my brain off at night to fall asleep. All I can think about is diabetes and school and I am angry.

I am angry that Jada has diabetes. I am angry that we have so many issues at school. I am angry that everyone there claims to care about her but do nothing to help her. I am angry at the principal for allowing her to be left out. I am angry at her teacher for not seeing what a big deal this is and caring enough to put an end to stupid king cake every week. I am angry at all of it.

Breakdown of the Meeting

2010-01-13T16:32:00.003-06:00

I don't even know where to begin. I am still broken. I am still upset and let down. I am so emotionally worn out from this morning. I haven't cried like that since well I don't remember. I tend to hold my emotions in. My friend Claire gets bothered by that. While she doesn't want me to have anything to be upset over, she get s a bit relieved when I let it all out since I do have things to be upset over. Oh and by the way, I did let a few tears out at the meeting but I was able to hold the breakdown until after it was over.

The entire SBLC meeting was convened. The nursing supervisor (Batty) was there as well as the school nurse (Christine) and both the Principal and Vice Principal.

Basically, the nurse has to decide whether the child with D is ready to bolus themselves. She isn't comfortable with Jada doing it because while Jada is on school campus, it falls back on her. They also can not have any other staff member do her pump "because insulin is serious and the smallest mistake could be fatal."

They stuck with the options (non options in my book) of Jada eating an alternate snack. They see no issue with Jada having to take the treat home and eat it.

Jada's teacher said that Jada handled having to take her king cake home last week very well. She expressed that it wasn't a problem at school. Totally was saying that so what if Jada went home and cried about it, it's not my problem because she was okay at school.

Let's talk about Betty. She is such a bitch. She actually said that diabetes is a big "problem" that they are dealing with in the nursing department. Just a few years ago, they only had six children with D in the parish and now they have 40. She express (her opinion) that it is better for Jada to have an alternate "healthier" snack without insulin and that king cake was not healthy for her. Yeah not to mention, not healthy for anyone! Sorry to tell you lady that carbs are carbs and simple fact is that Jada does not produce insulin.

Nothing was accomplished. Nothing.

I had wrote in my stuff about field trips and that I would not be required to attend them. Well policy is now that if a parent or someone that the parent sends can not attend, then the field trip is cancelled. So isn't this the same issue here. If I am not able to attend a field trip, the trip is cancelled. Why wouldn't the same logic apply to if I am not able to get to school to give Jada her insulin, then the class will not have the king cake??? I am perplexed by that.

Basically, the feeling there was that everyone has difficulties. Jada will have to learn to adjust and deal with it. Student's with (again) peanut allergies have to not eat peanut foods and must eat alternate snacks.

It all fell on deaf ears. I will contact the ADA and see what they can do. I am just defeated. I don't want to think about it anymore right now. I could still be crying.

Last night's chat

2010-01-11T12:56:00.002-06:00

I really enjoyed the D-Mom chat. It is great to fell like I belong somewhere, that there are people out there that know exactly what it's like.

Thank you for including me and being so welcoming!

They compared having diabetes to having a peanut allergy!

2010-01-08T10:37:00.007-06:00

My heart is in pieces today. I feel like I should be able to feel like my child is safe at school. And I don't. I want to just pick her up and hold her all day. My heart is in pieces.

The teacher called me a little after lunch yesterday about the letter I sent to her. She agreed to do the king cake during the last twenty minutes of the day. Jada went to check her bg in the office before they ate the king cake and they called the nurse who then said that Jada could not eat the king cake on school campus if I did not go to bolus her. It is 2:30 in the afternoon. School lets out at 2:50. By the time I would get there from work (which I was leaving anyway) school would be over. The nurse insisted that Jada could not eat the king cake because if anything happened to her while she is on school campus, it falls back on her. She said that she can understand because her child has a peanut allergy so she sends alternate snacks. Not quite the same I attempted to tell her. No matter what Jada eats, she needs insulin. She asked about sugar free foods. I said that my emotionally strained child will not have to deal with eating sugar free jello while everyone else is enjoying king cake. I know the nurse is just the messenger but this is ridiculous.
I left work in tears and heartbroken that my child was being excluded. I attempted to call the principal but she was in a meeting.

By the time I got near school, I had settled down enough and decided to go speak to the principal. I explained the situation to the principal and told her that I wanted to have a meeting. This is a new principal who is a bit dense. She knows nothing about diabetes so I explained it to her when she suggested alternate snacks. She asked me how situations like this have been handled. I explained to her that I have been called on the spot and asked to come to school and have to leave work to do so and that just isn't possible. I explained that my problem is not with the king cake. It is with getting Jada her insulin for the king cake or whatever treat they may have. I said she needs an accommodation for that. I told her that I want Jada to do her insulin or someone else on campus to be trained to do it. I told her that I learned in four days how to keep Jada alive and healthy and it didn't require a nurses license. She will look into the regulations on that. I told her that I would love a copy of any rules set in place on how diabetes is handled in schools. I also explained to her that while Jada is only six, she is the one who has diabetes. She has to live with this every day, 24 hours a day. She has been living with it for over a year and while she was in the hospital in October, she was allowed to run her own pump and I didn't understand how a school would be more liable than a hospital. She said she was going to contact the nurse and her supervisor and set up a meeting. As of now, I haven't heard anything. I also requested that until this matter is resolved that there be no king cake or other treats served in the class because Jada is not to be excluded. Somewhere in there, she compared it to having a peanut allergy. I stopped her before she could get too far and explained that Jada's pancreas does not make insulin which her body needs ... (you know this part). I told her that Jada would need insulin for any other food that she ate whether is be an apple, carrots, banana, or a hamburger.

And get this. When we got home, her bg was 76 so king cake would have been great for her!

I know there is no answer to why. But why do our kids have to deal with this? Why must things be so hard for them?

She and I layed down in my bed after we got home (just to play around) and I was looking at her face. I wondered if she will ever know how hard this was for me and the sacrifices that have been made. Will she ever realize the struggles that I have had to go through just for her not to feel different? Not that I do it for the recognition. I do it because I am her mom and that is what I do. I take care of her physically and emotionally and I will do anything I have to do for her to be happy and enjoy life.

Update! Meeting is Wednesday morning at 9:00 AM

Letter to the teacher

2010-01-06T23:22:00.002-06:00

In Jada's agenda book today, there was a note from the teacher that read:

"We will be having king cake every Friday until February 12. We will also have it Wed. Feb 3 & Thur. Feb 4. However, some students bring their cake early therefore the cake may be eaten earlier. Let me know how you would like to handle this."

So this is my letter is response:

Jada must receive insulin for any food or drink that she consumes. While I understand the fun and excitement of class celebrations, it is just not possible for me to miss work whenever a king cake is brought to school.

Ideally, I would like for Jada to give herself her own insulin using her pump based on the amount of carbohydrates she eats or drinks. However, this issue is being worked out with the decision makers in the school system. The next option would be to have the king cake right after lunch while the nurse is on campus and able to give Jada insulin for the king cake. Another option is having the king cake during the last twenty minutes of the school day so that I can give her insulin when she arrives home. It is safest for Jada to receive the insulin at the time she eats the king cake whether she give it herself or the school nurse give it to her.

Living with diabetes is a hard concept for anyone to understand, especially a child. “Why me” is a question that gets asked a lot. “It’s not fair” is said a lot. There is no answer to the why and it is entirely unfair. Jada has to poke her finger to check her blood sugar before she is able to eat anything, during times of play, and even when she sleeps. Children without diabetes are able to have a snack or run around with their friends without having to worry about such things. Children with diabetes notice that. They are aware that they face these struggles that other kids do not.

It is important that Jada not feel any more “different” than she already does. It is important that she be able to participate in all class activities.

This is what I have decided to do.

2010-01-06T13:27:00.004-06:00

I received a call from school this morning. The "they are having king cake" dreaded call that I was expecting. It was 9:50 am. I told them to let her eat it. Then my stomach started to hurt (just like ALL DAY yesterday).

Then, I thought about how Jada has been 55 at lunch time the last two days so I thought that she would be okay and the king cake would keep her from crashing and she may be in the 200s.

Then, I received a call from the school nurse. Her bg was 467. School policy is that any bg over 399, she would have to be picked up. The nurse bolused her and sent her to lunch.

I hadn't heard back for a while so I figured it had come down. The nurse just called me again to say that her bg had come down to 301. She asked me if I was aware they they would be having king cake every Friday until Mardi Gras. I told her that I was aware but not of the day or time. She then said that the options are if Jada is to have king cake then I will need to be at school to bolus her or I can send an alternate snack and they will send the king cake home. I then told the nurse that Jada will still need insulin for any other foods as well. She was thinking something 15 g or less. I am thinking, what kid will want to eat peanut butter crackers instead of king cake? I then told the nurse that she would need to bolused for any snack that she ate. I told her that I was going to call a meeting because I want Jada to be able to bolus herself. I said it is either that or there should be no king cake.

This is my plan. Thanks to Wendy (this was her idea), I am going to type of the things that I want to add to our 504 plan and hand that over to the 504 coordinator and tell her that I want these things added and we need to meet on this as soon as possible. I am planning a group attack. I plan to get that list together tonight and bring it in the morning. I know I still have a fight ahead of me but this is what must be done.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement on yesterday's post. Knowing that you all are with me helps a bunch.

On another note, I say we all decide on where to live and build a subdivision so we call all be neighbors.

Scared!

2010-01-05T09:54:00.003-06:00

I was sitting here staring at the number for the nursing supervisor for the parish and my stomach is turning at the thought of having to call her. I know I have to be an advocate for my daughter. I know that either the nurse needs to be there or they need to allow Jada to bolus herself for treats in class but I (emotionally) am not up to it.

I guess the battle will begin now

2010-01-04T16:56:00.004-06:00

I thought I would have more time before I would have to deal with this but diabetes and the teacher have different ideas.

Jada did great at school today. Not so great part. She felt low but didn't go to the office to check because it was too cold outside. We had a talk about that.

The point. There was a note in the folder from the teacher asking who would like to volunteer to bring king cakes for the class. Apparently, they will have one king cake per week as a way to celebrate Mardi Gras which is coming up. GREAT!!! How am I expected to leave work at the drop of a hat to go bolus Jada? How am I going to make that work? Even if I get them to let Jada bolus herself, there are so many variables with king cake...what kind, how much icing, is there a filling????

I guess I will have to contact the head of the nursing department and either have the nurse be there to bolus her or ruin the "celebration" for all.

I am not too fond of diabetes right now.

Bipolar Information

2010-01-04T10:56:00.002-06:00

Here is a bit (by the time I am done typing, it may be a lot) of bipolar information.

Bipolar disorder is a chronic brain disorder marked by bouts of extreme and impairing changes in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior. The most apparent symptoms are behavioral.

Kids with bipolar disorder experience intense mood states that don't cycle on clear cut patterns. Children are more likely to have mixed mood states (symptoms of depression and mania at the same time) and rapid cycling (switching between mania and depression very fast) many times a day.

Common seen behaviors:

Defiance of authority
Difficulty making changes
Difficulty transitioning
High levels of anxiety
Easily frustrated
Difficulty controlling anger
Hyperactivity, agitation, and distractibility

Symptoms of mania:

Euphoria (elevated mood)-silliness or elation that is inappropriate and impairing
Racing thoughts
Talkative
Impulsive
Irritability or hostility when demands are not met
Excessive distractibility

Irritability is a common symptom in both depression and mania.

Mania: irritability erupts into severe rages, which can be destructive and violent
Depression: irritability presents as a child is whiny and exceedingly difficult to please.

Defiance and aggression are the most challenging moods to manage.

Before Jada started on medication, every day was a complete challenge. She could be in a completely happy mood and in an instant turn into such an angry child that she would rage for thirty minutes or more. Most days, she would come home and have complete meltdowns while trying to transition to being at home for the evening. Every command was met with a battle.

Now that she is on medicine, the rages have stopped. There hasn't been any anger. She still has trouble with adjusting to new things and times of transition. She is mostly on the manic side of the spectrum, hardly ever "sad". Although she is more sensitive at times than other times. Everyday is still a struggle for us but it a little better than where we were only three months ago.

Crazy Diabetes

2010-01-04T08:51:00.002-06:00

Most of the things I read about night time and children with D is that children tend to go low in the night. Jada, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. She can go to bed at a nice 100 and by midnight she is in the 300-400 range. I check her, bolus, and go on about the night and she wakes up fine. We never have night time lows.

Well diabetes decided that was enough of that. I checked Jada before bed, she was 80. She felt low but I told her that she was on the low side but not low enough to treat. Any other night her bg would have shot up by 10:00. When I headed to bed at midnight, I checked her....she was 59. WTH? I got a juice pouch from the fridge and woke her up to drink. She drank half and I waited 15 minutes to recheck. She had gone to over 100 so off to sleep I went. I must have checked her again at some point because I remember her having to drink the rest of the juice and I remember a reading of 52. I missed the 15 minute recheck due to falling asleep. I checked her again at 5:30 when Erin woke up and she was at 120. Then we Jada woke up at 6:30, it was 92.

It was a strange night as far as blood sugar was concerned. She never goes low like that. I was baffled!!!

She was excited to get back to school this morning. She and Erin both had themselves dressed before I told them it was time to get dressed. I love mornings like this. We were up on time. They were both at school on time. I was even on time for work...that in itself is an accomplishment!

Some of our story!

2010-01-02T21:11:00.000-06:00

So you all can know me a little better, here is a little piece of our story.

I am a single mother, never been married. I choose not to be with the wrong man. I grew up with unhappy parents that stayed together because of the kids and I wasn't going to do the same. I choose to be independent, change my own light bulbs, replace a mini blind, and hang my own pictures on the wall. Is this choice a pain sometimes? Yes, certainly but I would rather have do deal with those things than disagree with the wrong someone over every thing else.

Jada was born in 2003. I was 20. She was born 5 weeks premature but was in good health and had no complications. She was an easy baby. She slept, ate, and did every thing else just as she was supposed to.

Erin was born in 2005. I was 22 and Jada was 18 months old. Erin was full term and just as healthy and happy as could be.

Our diabetes diagnoses story:
The weekend of August 16 & 17 was as bad as it got for us. Jada laid around the entire weekend. She would get a burst of energy right after a meal but then would return to laying around. I was also sick that weekend with sinus stuff so while I found her behavior unusual, I was a little happy to have less to deal with. But had it not been for me being sick, I wouldn't have even taken her to the doctor. Since I was going to be home on that Monday, I figured I might as well keep her home to have her checked out. Her appointment was at 9:00 am. Mine was at 1:10 pm. So off to her pediatrician we went. I listed her symptom as just laying around the entire weekend. Then the doctor came in and had a look. He said that she may be coming down with something. Then I mentioned, oh yeah, she also lost a lot of weight, she dropped a whole clothing size, and she is constantly thirsty and going to the bathroom. He looked at me and said did you tell the nurse all this. I said no because I thought nothing of it. So he left the room while the nurse entered all of that into the system then came back in and said "I think she may have diabetes. If she does, she will have to be admitted. We are going to send you over to the lab and have some test run and we will know after we get the results." Okay I said and I asked if a hospital stay was necessary. Because I was in a head fog. I was clueless. We did the blood draw and headed home. I still had to no clue what it all meant. I was sick and just wanted to sleep. Jada ate as soon as we got home and I laid on the sofa and fell asleep. It was 1:00 pm when we got the call. The voice says "The results are back. Jada does have diabetes. She is going to be admitted to the hospital." Still clueless, I say "well how serious is this? Do I have time to pack a bag first or should we get there now?" I began packing and called my mom at work. She headed to meet us right away. I still remember thinking that this was no big deal. We valley parked at the hospital (because parking there is a pain). We headed up to PICU where we stayed for a four days. I was overwhelmed when it all sank in. I am sure any of you reading this can understand how I was feeling. Jada was so brave. Band-Aids were very important to her. The first night, she went to sleep with Barbie band-aids on each finger and woke up with Scooby Doo. We had a great nurse the first night and day there. I was overloaded with information about bg, what diabetes was, carbs. The next few days were filled with information overload, learning about carbs, drawing insulin, and checking blood sugars. We had lots of visitors during visiting hours but I felt very alone. On August 18, 2008, our new normal began.

Stupidest thing I have ever said about diabetes:
I remember asking the dietitian (maybe the stupidest question ever, now that I know better) "will there ever be a day when we don't have to count all this and she can just eat whatever." God only knows what she thought.

If you have been reading, then you know that Jada also has ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and opposition defiance disorder. I will post more about these on another post.

Goodbye 2009. Hello 2010.

2010-01-01T19:42:00.013-06:00

I have been online a few times today and checked my dashboard thing to see what others were up to. I must confess that I have become obsessed with blogging and other blogs. I am constantly thinking about what to write about and find my self wondering what everyone else is doing. I guess it is because I feel connected to the blogs I read. We all live separate lives in separate cities and states but we all share this common bond. We are all mothers of children with diabetes. It's weird because I know other families near me with kids with diabetes but no one seems to want to connect as much as we do.

This has been a year. We have had three emergency room trips, none of which have had to do with diabetes and only one was for Jada.

In January, Erin stuck a pencil eraser in her ear "to keep it safe".

After a failed attempt to remove said eraser at the ER, we visited an ENT.

In October, Jada was admitted to a psychiatric facility to get her medicine regulated. She was having severe rages that were not able to be controlled at home. Her last rage lasted for one and a half hours and involved throwing things, hitting and biting me, and flipping over a recliner. There are no pictures of this. The hospital stay wasn't as bad as you would think. She enjoyed herself and we both got to ride in an ambulance for the first time (not for an emergency, just for transport.)

And most recently, Erin was doing roll overs off of my bed and landed on the floor. While she was getting up, she managed to slice her lip open on the bottom of my dresser. One stitch was required.

The only other big even that happened this year, was getting answers to Jada's behavior and emotional issues. In April, Jada was diagnosed with ADHD. In June, we added bipolar, anxiety, and oppositional defiance disorder to mix. After trying many methods of behavior modification, it was apparent that medication was needed. As of now, Jada is on three medicines plus her Humalog. Some days are better than others and most days I takes things hour by hour.

Here are some other pictures from the higher points of the year!

Erin's birthday!

Dance Review!

T-Ball Party!

Kindergarten Graduation!

Jada's Birthday!

Erin's first day of Pre-K!

Halloween!

Jada was a Black Cat Witch.

Erin was a Candy Corn Witch!

Although I spent New Year's Eve the same way that I have spent it the last several years, I am certain that positive changes are heading my way this year. I hope to be living in my own home. I hope to make it through each day with a little more sanity. I hope to get my bookkeeping business up and running. I hope to be more proactive when it comes to caring for Jada's diabetes. I also hope to look at things more positively (I tend to be a half glass empty kind of girl).

I think that's it for now.

Erin's first sleepover

2009-12-29T10:51:00.004-06:00

Erin is only four but her friend is having a sleepover birthday party in about a week. Yes I know, her mom is crazy, not literally but you know. Erin is excited about it and there is really no reason for her not to be able to go but I am not happy thinking about it. She is four and my baby. I have never been apart from my girls for a night before and I don't know if I can handle the idea of not tucking her in and kissing her good night. I know I will let her go and I know she will have a good time and be just fine. I know this in my head but my heart will miss her. I will feel incomplete being at home without her. I am always with them. If they are not at school, they are with me.

I can only imagine when it will be Jada's first sleepover how much I will be freaking out!

Secret Santa Gift

2009-12-28T10:35:00.006-06:00

We loved our gift from our Secret Santa. It was perfect. We actually cheated and opened it the day it came which was about two weeks before Christmas but the girls and I were having a rough time to I decided we needed a little cheer.

It really was the perfect gift. We all got Twister to play together. The girls each had their own things to unwrap as well. They had necklaces and braclets. And I had a giftcard on top of all of it.

The card made me cry (like I said, it was a rough time).

Thank you so much Joanne at Death of a Pancreas.

(I don't know how to do the hyperlink thing so any help is appreciated!)